
J 



J 



[, 28-30 West 







BROWN'S IN TOWN 



B jfaccical ComeOis f n ^bree Bct0 



BY 
MARK E. SWAN 



COPTRIGHT, 1910, BY AMERICAN PlAT COMPANY 

Copyright, 1915 by Ambbioan PiiAY Company 



CAUTION.— This play is fully protected under the copyrifht Isws 
of the United States, is subject to royalty, and any one present^ 
in2 the play without the consent of the author or his agents will 
be liable to penalty under the law. All applications for amateur 
performances must be made to SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 
38th Street, New York City. For the professional acting rights 
application must bo made to tho American Play Company, Inc. 
33 West 42nd St., New York. 



ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th Street 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd., 

26 Southampton Stbist 

STRAND 



P5 3 537 
,W265£>7 



vIAN 21 1915 

gyClD 39450 
Kof 



BROWN'S IN TOWN 



CHARACTERS. 

BiCK Preston ^'^f ^^^ 

Abel Preston The father 

Arthur Howard ^ dentist 

Worth Carew A gentleman of leisure 

Pollock The gardener 

Suzanne Dacre Who l-nows d- thinp or two 

Lbt^^y Dick's wife 

Freda Von Hollenbeck A German Heiress 

Primrose The " lady cook " with a reputation 



% 



BEOWN'S IN TOWN. 




BROWN'S IN TOWN 



ACT I. 



Scene : — Back garden of a summer residence. Land- 
scape drop at back. Set house R. Fence ex- 
tending from R. to c. at back, and from c. at 
back to about l. 3 E. Gate l. c. Tree and 
bench down L. c. (See diagram) NOTE: — It 
is not absolutely necessary to have a set house 
for this scene as the characters can enter and 
exit by the right entrances when supposedly 
coming from and entering the house. Morning — 
complications — much. 

At Rise: — Enter Primrose r. 3 with dishpan and 

cloth. 

Primrose. (Wiping pan with a cloth) Mr. Pol- 
lock! Oh, Mr. Pollock! Oh, Mr. Pollock ! 

Pollock. (Enters l. 2. Crosses to l. c, carries a 
rake) What's the matter ? What's the matter ? 

Primrose. I want to know the time. My clock 
has dun stopped. 

Pollock. Wal, I think it's about eleven o'clock. 
(Looks at watch) I guessed it to a hair. 

Primrose. Well, I got to get my dinner. ( Going 
hack toward kitchen) Mr. Brown said he would be 
home at twelve. 

5 



6 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Pollock. Primrose. (Primrose turns. Pollock 
hechons to her — she crosses to him at c.) Did it ever 
strike you that there was something very peculiar 
about this Mister Brown? 

Primrose. Yes, suh, it did. 

Pollock. Mc too. 

Primrose. 'Bout Miss Brown too, if it comes to 
that. You kiunv T kind o' think they's hidin' from 
somebody. 

Pollock. Hidin' ? 

Primrose. Hidin'. 

Pollock. Well that looks suspicious. There's 
only one thing that keeps nie here — he pays good 
wages. {Raines a little aho7.it bench l. c.) 

Pl'IMROse. Does he pay 'em ? 

Pollock. Well, I don't know, my pay day's to- 
day. 

Primrose. It's mine too. But I ain't seen a cent. 
His wife said he's gone to town to get a check cashed. 

Pollock. Well, we'll sec him when he gets back. 
(Goes L. and ral-es) 

Primrose. Yes, we will, just as soon as he gets 
back. 

Letty. {Without, R. u. e.) Chick, chick, chick, 
here chickee, chick, chick, chick, here chickee ! 

Pollock, {{^rosses np to l. of gate) There's his 
v.'ife, now. 

Letty. {E titers R. u. e. with pan of corn, goes c.) 
Primrose, wlicre are the chickens? 

Primrose. I dunno. The only one I seen to-day 
was in the kitchen. 

Letty. Bring it out, and I'll feed it. 
* Pjiimrose. Too late. I dun cooked it for dinner. 

Letty. The tiresome things. {Crosses R. to bench) 
Why don't Ihey come and eat this nice clean corn, 
{Sits on hcncJi) instead of grubbing around for 
worms and things. {Places pan of corn by end of 
bench) I've been calling them for ten minutes. 

Primrose. {Crosses c) Maybe dey don't under- 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 7 

stand you. Dey are Shanghaiis, you know, an' I 
'spect dey only cackle in Chinese. 

Letty. (Laughing) Ha, ha, ha ! Very likely; I 
know it sounds just like our laundry man talking 
about collars. I don't think they will ever learn to 
eat out of my hand. (Goes to flowers R. of bench. 
Bus. ivith them. Crosses R. sits on porch) 

Pollock. (Letter bus. Crosses c. To Primrose) 
W^ell I declare, here's that letter that the postman 
gave me yesterday to give to our folks. 

Primrose. I bet you'll ketch it foh keepin' it all 
dis time. 

Pollock. Well, I'll jest take it in now. (Starts 
to cross R.) 

Primrose. (Retains him) No you won't! Don't 
you go up on dat po'ch with yoh dirty boots. Give 
it to me an' I'll take care of it. (Pollock gives her 
letter. Bus.) Why, dis ain't foh ouah folks! 

Pollock. No ? 

Primrose. No. It's addressed to Mr. Preston. 

Letty. (Looks up) What is it. Primrose? 

Primrose. Why, dis letter heah, addressed to Mr. 
Preston. I was tellin' Mr. Pollock dar ain't nobody 
'round heah by dat name. 

Letty. (Comes oxit c. To Primrose) Why, yes 
there is. 

Pollock. Well I ain't seen him. 

Letty. (To Pollock) It's for my husband. 

Pollock. Your husband ? 

Letty. (Taking letter) Mr. Brown. That is — 
it's all right. I'll take care of it. (Crosses to porch 
R. with letter) 

Primrose. (To Pollock) What did I tell you? 

Letty. No sign of Dick. I can't wait — (Tears 
envelope open) I'll just take one peep. 

Primrose. (To Pollock) She's opened it. 
(Letty reads) She's reading it. Mr. Pollock, 
there's somethin' certainly goin' on here. 

Letty. No check. (Reads) "My dear Boy: 



8 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Your request for $500 to carry on your studies is 
somewhat unusual. At present I cannot comply with 
it. However, you will hear from me in a few days. 
Drop me a line occasionally. Yours, Dad. P. S. — ^" 
How nice ! I didn't know men wrote postscripts. 
Perhaps he means the $500. (Reads) " Be careful 
you don't fall in love — you know my opinion of 
matrimony." (Folds letter in envelope) Oh! If 
he should ever discover we are married. (Exit r. 2 
to house) 

Primrose. (Bus. crosses r. loolcs off) That looks 
kinder suspicious. 

Pollock. (Crosses R. bus. following Primrose) 
That's what it does, Primrose. 

Primrose. Did 3^ou see her open that letter? 

Pollock. I did. 

Primrose. Did you see her read it? 

Pollock. I did. 

Primrose. Now her husband's name is Brown. 
What is she doin' openin' Mr. Preston's letter? 

Pollock. Primrose, there's something wrong. 

Primrose. You're right it's wrong. I don't like 
the idea of him havin' them two names. 

Pollock. Maybe he's ashamed of one. 

Primrose. Why? (She goes to door. Pollock 
goes a little L.) All a lady has got is her reputation, 
an' I'm goin' ter look after mine. I can't afford to be 
workin' foil people comin' from nobody knows whah, 
an' claimin' to be nobody knows who, for all I know, 
that man is one of them bunco gen'men. 

Pollock. No. I've been buncoed twict and he 
clon't look like the feller that clone it. He may be a 
runaway bank cashier, or one of them authors? 

Primrose. Author ? What's an author ? ( Goes c. 
to Pollock) 

Pollock. One of them pesky fellers that writes 
funny stories for the newspapers. 

Primrose. No, he ain't no author, 'cause he never 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 9 

writes nothin'. But I don't like the idea of him 
havin' them two names. 

Pollock. (Goes c. to her) Maybe he's a burglar. 

Primrose. Oh, Law! Man, don't — (Goes to 
hitchen door R.) Don't tell me that! I got to look 
after my spoons. 

Pollock. Your spoons? You mean his'n. 
(^Crosses up to l. of gate) 

Dick. (Outside l. u. cracks whip) Whoa there! 
Whoa! 

Pollock. (Turns, holes l.) There's Mr. Brown, 
now. 

Letty. (Enters from house R. at door) I thought 
I saw Dick down the road. Yes, here he comes now, 
with his arms full of bundles. (Comes out to R. c.) 

Dick. (Enters l. u. e. and gate, with arms full of 
bundles, various sizes. As he enters he drops package 
for Primrose r. of gate and throws Pollock a sack 
of flour. Pollock goes to l. of bench) Hello, 
Primrose. How are you. Pollock. I've got groceries 
enough to start a hotel. Hello sweetheart! (Drops 
all his packages c. and embraces Letty) 

Letty. Oh, Dick! I'm so glad to see you. It 
seems an age since you went away. 

Dick. Just one hour. (Kneels on floor to pick 
p,p bundles) 

Letty. Kind of a little age. Are you sure you 
got everything? 

Dick. Everything? Great Scott. Don't I look 
it? Here we are — (Picks up large package and hands 
it to Letty) Pins — thread — sugar — nutmegs — 
(Handing package at each speech. Large package 
for nutmegs. Primrose puts pan dotvn on plain 
bench up R.) 

Letty. Half pound of sugar and five pounds of 
nutmegs ! 

Dick. They're mixed. 

Letty. I should say you're mixed. Here, 
Primrose — (Primrose comes doivn r.) Take these. 



10 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Primrose. (Talcing bundles and crossing up r.) 
Yes, Mis' Preston. {Places bundles on bencli i\. and 
^picJcs up pan) 

Letty and Dick. (Letty crossing r.) Mrs. 
Preston ! 

Dick. Take these, Pollock, will you? (Gives 
Pollock bundles l.) 

Pollock. Yes, Mr. Preston. 

Dick. Mr. Preston? I thought I told you my 
name was Brown. 

Primrose. (Coming c.) How long has it been 
Brown ? 

Dick. (Turning to her) What is that to you? 

Pollock. A great deal, sir. 

Dick. (Turning to Pollock) And if it comes to 
that, why do you call me Mr. Preston ? 

Pollock. Because your wife opened a letter she 
paid was for her husband and it was addressed to 
Mr. Preston. 

Letty. I knew you wouldn't mind it, dear. 

Dick. (Crosses to her) Of course not, it's all 
right. (Turns to Primrose who crosses l. to 
Pollock) The fact is. Primrose — I changed my 
name. 

Primrose. When ? 

Dick. The day I got married. 

Primrose. Dat reconstruction is gin'lly done by 
de lady, sah! 

Dick. (Going toward her) You attend to your 
own business. My name is Brown. It must be. 

Letty. (Following Dick in a conciliating way) 
We had good reasons for making the change. 

Primrose. Oh, I don't doubt it. 
* Dick. Well, don't let me remind you again. My 
name's Brown. 

Primrose. (Circling about to R. as Dick and 
Letty go l. c.) I don't care ef yo' name is Brown- — 
yo' won't have to remind me again. I'se an honest 
woman, I is, an' I refuse to be connected with people 



BEOWN'S IN TOWN. 11 

who's ashamed of they own name! (She snaps the 
dishcloth at Dick and Letty and goes up to hack) 

Dick and Letty. Primrose ! 

Primrose. DonH you Primrose me ! I tell you 
right now you fill my place jes's soon's you can, 
'cause I'm gwan ter leave. 

Dick and Letty. Impossible! 

Dick. {Going toward her) Come, come Primrose 
— I can explain why I changed my name. You see, I 
have a father 

Primrose. I don't believe it. 

Dick. What? 

Primrose. No ! {8he throws pan on his foot) 
So you please be so kind an' condescendin' as to have 
my change ready fo' me aftah dinnah, Mr. Preston. 
(She starts to kitchen door) 

Dick. Brown! Hang it! Brown! (He starts 
to kitchen door R. 3) You call me Preston again and 
you won't get a cent. 

Primrose. Oh, we'll see, sah? (Exit Primrose, 
door R. 3 slamming door in his face, hits. Exit 
Pollock r. u. e. with bundles) 

Letty. (l.) Isn't she awful? 

Dick. (Coming doivn r.) A holy terror. 

Letty. Pay her, Dick, and let her go. 

Dick. I haven't a cent. (Noise in kitchen made 
by Primrose — Dick sits on bench R.) 

Letty. Primrose. 

Dick. She's on a strike. 

Letty. I'm glad she's going to leave. 

Dick. AA^iy? 

Letty. I would be afraid to discharge her. If 
she stays another week there won't be a place for the 
new cook to work. 

Dick. I daresay. 

Letty. By the way — what about the new cook? 

Dick. (Letty sits by him on bench r.) Well, 
Smith, the store-keeper, told me he knew of a man 
who would come here and do the work around the 



n BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

place, and, until we got a new girl, he would cook for 
us. 

Letty. Oh, a man cook ! 

Dick. Yes. He has been a guide for some camp- 
ing parties. He's a good cook, but they say he's very 
eccentric. 

Letty. Well, we're lucky to get rid of Primrose. 
I found six gin bottles in the kitchen. 

Dick. Were they full? 

Letty. No. But I think Primrose was, and when 
I showed them to her she swore dreadfully ! Dick, 
it's a wonder she didn't cut our throats, and rob us ! 

Dick. If she'd go through my pockets she'd be in 
debt. By the way dear, where is that letter ? 

Letty. Here it is. (Gives Dick letter) It is 
from your father. Do you think he will ever forgive 
us? 

Dick. Well, I hope so, dear. (Both arm in arm 
walk L. corner) Let me see what he says — (Reading 
letter) " My dear boy : Your request for $500 — 
Oh — ah — (Pleased. Continues reading) Cannot 
comply with it. (Disappointed) Isn't that too bad ? 

Letty. (Pointing to P. S. in letter) But read 
that. (They turn and walk c.) 

Dick. (Continue reading) Be careful you don't 
fall in love. You know my opinion of matrimony. 
(They separate) 

Letty. (c.) Why should he detest matrimony? 
He was married once. 

Dick. (e. c. looking at letter) Perhaps that's the 
reason. (Letty starts offended, Dick looks up) 

Letty. What? 

Dick. Oh, no, no. I didn't mean that, dear. 

Letty. (Sarcastically) I dare say you are be- 
ginning to share his opinion. 

Dick. No, I am not. (Looking at letter) It's 
too late now — the mischief's done. 

Letty. (Surprised — indignant) The mischief? 

Dick. (Putting letter in his pocket) I mean. 



BROWN'S m TOWN. 13 

dear, that we are married, and when I tell father the 
reason — that I either had to marry you or let that 
fellow Arthur Howard win you — perhaps he will 
relent. By Jove, I — (Crosses L.) detest that fellow 
Eloward. 

Letty. (Crosses n.) Beware, my lord of jealousy. 
It is the green-eyed monster that eats the meat it 
feeds upon — Shakespeare. (Both laugh) 

Dick. (Comes to c.) Shakespeare with a ven- 
geance. But, come now, you know you did like 
Howard once? 

Letty. (Goes to floivers on bench) Oh, once! 
But that was before I met you. And, do you know — 
(Turns to Dick) Dick, I think he has never for- 
given you for coming between us. 

Dick. (Angrily, going to L.) Indeed! Why he 
is beneath your notice. That awkward — ugly 

Letty. (Turning to flower pot and looking over 
L. shoulder) Oh, he isn't so ugly. 

Dick. (Continuing) Presumptuous 

Letty. Yes — (Dick turns) But he is pretty 
well to do Dick. (Picl's a flower) 

Dick. (Coming to Q.) I should say he was. 
He's a dentist; he fills teeth; he filled a tooth for 
me, once, and in a week it came out. 

Letty. The filling? 

Dick. No. The tooth. (Goes haclc to l.) 

Letty. He pulled (Picks a floiver) a tooth for 
me, once and it seemed a month coming out. 

Dick. I suppose he tried to make love to you — 
now, didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he? (Coming 
toward her c.) 

Letty. Ha, ha, ha ! It was too funny ! He swore 
he would pull — (Picks flower) all my teeth if T 
didn't marry him. (She makes a hutton-hole bouquet 
of three flowers) 

Dick. Hang his impudence — making love to my 
wife! 



14 BROWN\S IN TOWN. 

Letty. {Comes out from behind lencli) I wasn't 
your wife ! 

Dick. No, but — you — would have been. (Letty 
loolcs up at Dick) 

Letty. What ? 

Dick, (c.) But for the trifling fact that I had 
not married you. 

Letty. {Goes to him, fastens bouquet on his coat) 
Well, he didn't know it then. 

Dick. I hope he doesn't know it now. 

Letty. (e. DicK c. l.) So do I. If he did, he. 
would take a fiendish delight in telling the whole 
world of our marriage. {Cross to porch e.) 

Dick. You little rogue, you're only teasing me. 
Never mind, dear, two miles from the city, under 
assumed names 

Letty. We have nothing to do but enjoy our- 
selves. 

Dick. And let the cook, and the chickens and the 
mosquitoes take care of themselves. 

Both. Ha, ha, ha! {Exit both -r. 2 e.) 

Suzanne Dacre. {Without, l. u. e.) Stop ! Stop ! 
T can't go any further. {Enter AYortii Carew l. u. 
B. and gate trundling man's ivheel, brings it c. then 
leans it at fence R. Enter Suzanne l. u. e. and gate 
wiping forehead) I should think you'd be ashamed 
of yourself. {Crosses R. c, up stage) 

Worth. {Coming to her) Why Miss Dacre what 
have T done? 

Suzanne. You picked out the steepest hill in 
State to climb, and it's 90° in the shade. (Cross n.) 
•Worth. {Following her) Why, don't you re- 
member ,you insisted on coming this way? 

Suzanne. What ? 

Worth. Yes and I told you it would be silly. 

Suzanne. Blame me ! That's right ! 

Worth. I'm very sorry. 

Suzanne. Oh, never mind. Bring my wheel out 
of the road. {She starts him up to gate) Quick, 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 15 

or someone will run over it. Can't you see it — 
Look out or it will run over you — Use your glasses — 
It H right at your feet — Stupid — Don't hurry — 
(She folloivs him up — exit — Worth l. u. e. hus. 
Suzanne re-enters at once, trundling lady's wheel) 
What's the matter with that wheel? 

Worth. (Placing wheel inside fence) Puncture. 
{Hands in poclcets) 

Suzanne. Wliy weren't you careful ? 

Worth. Why, my deah Miss Dacre, I didn't do it. 

Suzanne. No. Of course not. Lay it on to me. 

Worth. Well, really you rode the wheel, you 
know. 

Suzanne. Well, don't stand there staring. Take 
your hands out of your pockets. 

Worth. What shall I do? 

Suzanne. Eepair the puncture. 

Worth. I haven't any tools. 

Suzanne. (Out of patience. Crosses r. Sits) 
Put your hands back in your pocket. 

Worth. ('Crosses down c.) By Jove, how lucky 
it is it happened right heah in front of youah aunt's 
house ? 

Suzanne. Why this is not my aunt's house. 

Worth. No? Aren't you stopping heah? 

Suzanne. Most certainly I am not. 

Worth. Why my deah Miss Dacre, when I met 
you this morning at the hotel cottage on the Bays- 
water road you said you were stopping wuth youah 
aunt at her cottage on the Bayswater road. 

Suzanne. (Rises and crosses c. To Worth) Now 
do you suppose this is the only cottage on the road? 
My Aunt lives two miles further on, and we are only 
half way there. (Crosses R. and sits on bench) 
' Worth. And a punctured tire. 

Suzanne. (Turns and faces him) Yes. You 
should have come prepared, and it wouldn't have 
happened. (Turns away) It never rains when you 
carry an umbrella. 



16 BEOWN'S IN TOWK 

Worth. (Aside) My opp-tunity! (To Su- 
zanne) My deah Miss Dacre — when I met yoii to- 
day — I did not expect to meet you — to-day. 

Suzanne. And I wish you hadn't. 

Worth. (Comes R. to end of bench) My deah 
Miss Dacre, I — I 

Suzanne. (Rises, walhs aivaij from him, goes R.) 
Oh, he is going to propose again. This is only the 
fourth time since we started. 

Worth. (Following her) My deah Miss Dacre, 
I— I~I 

Suzanne. That will do — stop. 

Worth. Not fo' worlds. I think too much of 



you 

Suzanne. (Crossing l.) Stop! Stop! Stop! 
I know just how much you think of me. How are 
you going to get me back to town? 

Worth. (Following her) You wouldn't care to 
walk. 

Suzanne. Yes, Fm just dying to walk. (Sits on 
bench l.) Two miles, in the hot sun — on a dusty 
road. No, I'll stop here. You take that wheel back 
to town and have that puncture repaired. 

Worth. (Crosses c.) Do you know who lives 
heah? 

Suzanne. (Imitating) No, and I don't cyah — 
(care). 

Worth. (Turning bach to her) My dear Miss 
Dacre — I cawn't leave you heah alone. 

Suzanne. I don't mind. 

Worth. No ? 

Suzanne. There are moments when one wants to 
be _ alone. 

Worth. Ha, ha, ha — clevah ! Clevah ! (Crosses 
out to c.) I had bettah hire a man to go. 

Suzanne. No — no — no. Go yourself. 

Worth. Well, I am very tired. (Crosses to bench 
r.) I would like to rest. (Sits on bench) 

Suzanne. No. Don't waste any time. 



gone 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 17 

Worth. Very well, if you insist. (Rises and 
crosses up to wheel) Miss Dacre, I will go. (Picks 
up her wheel and starts) 

Suzanne. Thank goodness ! 

Worth. (Aside) She trying to get wid of me, I 
wondah why? Well, I'll go. 

Suzanne. (Turns away) Thank goodness, he's 
f 

Worth. Will I find you heah when I wetuhn? 
(Picks up wheel) 

Suzanne. (Impatiently) Will — you — go? 

Worth. Yes, I'm off. (Exit l. u. with both 
wheels) 

Suzanne. Ha, ha, ha! Well, he's gone at last. 
(Goes up c. looking after him) Of all the spoony 
spoons, he's the worst ever. I never want to see any 
love making again. (Turns as enter Dick and 
Letty from house r.) 

Dick. Don't you worry — I'll run right to town 
and see about the cook. Good-bye! (They embrace 
— Dick kisses Letty) 

Suzanne. I beg your pardon. 

Letty and Dick. (Surprised) Oh, Suzanne 
Dacre ! 

Suzanne. Letty Leonard and Dick Preston. 

Dick. The dickens. (Crosses r.) 

Suzanne. Why, what are you doing here ? 

Letty and Dick. Why we — we — this is our — 
our 

Letty. This is our home. 

Suzanne. Then this is no place for me. (She 
starts out c. Letty catches her and brings her 
down) 

Letty. Oh, no, Suzanne, I'm so glad to see you. 

Dick. Yes — yes. Ha, ha ! 

Suzanne. You both look it. I think I'm in the 
way. (She starts slightly to turn and go, Letty 
restrains her) 

Dick. No — no 



18 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Letty. No, Suzanne, please remain, and we wih 
explain. 

Suzanne. {Crosses l.) I think youM better. 

Letty. {Goes to Dick) Dick, you tell her. 

Dick. No, dear, you tell her — ^you've known her 
longer. 

Letty. (Goes to Suzanne) Suzanne, you see, 
Dick and I — (Goes to Dick) Dick — you explain. 
(Urges him to c.) 

Dick. I can't — I can't — well, you see my dear 
Miss Dacre, I — I'd be delighted to explain, but — 
('Crosses to R. Aside) I haven't the faintest idea 
what to say. 

Letty. (Goitig to Dick) You must say some- 
thing. When two people are discovered living in a 
little cottage, somebody must say something. (Turns 
to Suzanne) Oh, Suzanne, can't you sit down? 

Dick. Yes. Won't you sit down? 

Dick mid Letty. Yes, Suzanne, sit down. 

(Suzanne sits l.) 

Letty. (To Dick) Go on, Dick. 

Dick. No, you. ( Bus. ad lib. both. Letty urges 
Dick, he crosses to bench l. To Suzanne) You see, 
my dear Miss Dacre, I have a father 

Letty. (Crosses l. To Dick) That won't do. 

Dick. No — I haven't a father. 

Letty. Oh, Dick! 

Dick. No — I don't mean that. You would think 
— from the circum — (Aside to Letty) What the 
devil would she think from the circumstances? (To 
Suzanne) You would think. 

Letty. ( To Suzanne) That we were going to be 
married, wouldn't you ? 

Suzanne. I'd think you should be. 

Dick. Well, we are— -^ — 

(Suzanne rises.) 



BROWN'S IN* TOWN. 19 

Letty. Married. 

Dick. To each other. 

Letty. A week ago. 

Dick. By a magistrate, 

Letty. At Milford. 

Dick. Named Jones. 

Letty. And it's a secret. 

Suzanne. Honest ? 

Letty. Yes. 

Suzanne. Is this a joke? 

Letty. Marriage is no joke. 

Suzanne. And am I the only one who knows it? 

Dick and Letty. (Dick crossing to l. Letty 
crossing to c.) Uh huh. 

Suzanne. (Crossing to Letty) Well, as Fm 
the first to congratulate you, allow me to wish you 
many happy returns of the day. 

Dick and Letty. (Turning to Suzanne) What? 

Suzanne. I mean — my best wishes. 

Dick and Letty. Oh! 

Suzanne. Won't the girls stare when I go back 
with the news? (She goes up) 

Dick and Letty. Suzanne, (Tliey go up after 
her and bring her down) 

Letty. You are not to tell them. 

Suzanne. Why didn't you say it was a secret ? 

Dick and Letty. Yes, it is. 

Suzanne. Well, they'll help me keep it. (She 
starts up again. They bring her down c.) 

Letty. Suzanne, do you want to ruin us? 

Dick. And break her heart? 

Letty. And his? 

Dick. And mine? 

Letty. Do you want to part us? 

Dick. And break her heart? 

Letty. And his? 

Dick. And mine? 

Suzanne. Of course not. Bless you, m.y children. 



20 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

{Laughs and crosses to bench L. Takes off hat. 
Places it on bench) 

Dick and Letty. {Impressively) Then don't 
breathe a word of our marriage. 

Suzanne. Why ? 

Dick. I will tell you. (Crosses to L., starts to sit 
on bench) 

Suzanne. (Screams) Don't sit on my hat. 
(Dick rises, Letty starts) Why mustn't I ask any- 
thing about it ? 

Dick. (Sits) Well, you see, I have a father. 

Suzanne. So I understood a while ago. I didn't 
see anything extraordinary in that; nearly everyone 
has a father. 

Dick. (Letty in back of bench) Yes, that's the 
rule, I believe. However, my father is a very 
eccentric man and has a fiery temper. 

Letty. Oh, a dreadful temper — (Caressing Dick) 
But he loves Dick dearly. 

Suzanne. Go on. I'm quite calm. 

Dick. In addition to which he has a strong prej- 
udice against matrimony. 

(Letty moves out a little towards c.) 

Suzanne. He has been married. 

Dick. I think so. 

Letty and Suzanne. (Looking at him astonished) 
Eh? 

Dick. Yes, yes, of course. 

Suzanne. Why did you marry against his will? 

Dick. I didn't know it until it was too late. 
•After I married Letty I went hoxne to tell him. As 
eoon as I broached the subject of matrimony he aired 
his views and I was given distinctly to understand 
that I was not under any circumstances to marry, at 
any rate, imtil I was twenty-five. 

Letty. If Dick disobeys, his father will disinherit 
him. 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 21 

Suzanne. And when will you be twenty-five? 

Dick. Next year. (Rises and crosses R.) Until 
then, I am single. 

Letty. (Sits L. by Suzanne) And you see, 
Suzanne, I must keep it from my relatives, too. 

Dick. {Going toward IjETTy) Yes. You see, she 
lias a father- 

Letty. Oh — go away. (Dick crosses k.) Papa 
is very ambitious and wants me to marry a wealthy 
gentleman. In fact, I think he has one selected. 
{Looks at Dick) If he should discover I am married 
there would be a big family explosion. (Suzanne 
nods and does bus. imitating explosion) We wouldn't 
have anyone know it for the world. {Rises and 
crosses c. to Dick) 

Dick and Letty. {Bus. with fingers) And 
especially Arthur Howard. 

Suzanne. {Same bus.) And who is Arthur 
Howard ? 

Dick. My hated rival, as they say in the Family 
Story paper. 

Letty. Who would tell my father? 

Suzanne. Who would tell everybody everything? 

Letty. Exactly. 

Suzanne. {Crosses c.) Count on Suzanne! 

Letty. Oh, Suzanne! 

Suzanne. I'll be mum as a clam. (Letty em- 
braces her. Dick tries same, she boxes his ears and 
crosses L.) Are you going to spend your honeymoon 
here? 

Letty and Dick. {Holding hands and bowing) 
Mr. and Mrs. Brown — at home? 

Suzanne. Mr. and Mrs. Brown. Delighted. 
{<Jrosses to Letty) Got any animals? 

Letty. (c, nodding head) TJh huh. We've got 
a pony, a cow, plenty of chickens, millions of 
mosquitoes and — we had a cook, but she struck. She 
leaves us to-day. {To Dick) Oh, Dick, suppose the 
new cook don't come? 



22 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Dick. (Raclcet in house out n. 2} Suppose the 
old one don't go. 

Suzanne. That'll be nice. 

Letty. There isn't a place to get anything to eat^ 
this side of the village. 

Suzanne. When do you expect her? 

Dick. We expect him at any time. 

Suzanne. (Turns to Letty) Well, if he doesn't 
come, why don't you get dinner ? 

Letty. I was never in a kitchen in my life. 

Suzanne. Humph ! What business had you to 
get married if you don't know how to cook ? (Letty 
and Dick exchange glances) I'll tell you what I'll 
do — I'll stay here to-day and teach you. 

Letty and Dick. Will you? 

Letty. Can you cook? 

Suzanne. Uh huh! Splendidly — I took lessons 
at a cooking school; made some biscuits once — papa 
has one now, he values it highly. 

Dick. As a paper weight? 

Suzanne. No. As a souvenir. It really lasted 
splendidly. 

Dick. Yes, I'm told that cooking school biscuits 
are quite durable as a rule. 

(Suzanne crosses c.) 

Suzanne. You needn't make fun of my biscuits, 
Dick Preston. 

Letty. Suzanne, for whom did you cook? 

Suzanne. Oh, I never really and truly cooked, I 
merely studied the science of cooking; learned all 
nbt)ut it in two days. Learned h-^w to feed three 
people on live dollars a month ! 

Dick and Letty. No? (Dh^k crosses up to c. 
then to L.) 

Suzanne. (Suzanne and Letty cross r.) Yes. 
Oh, I'm just dying to get at it. Come Letty. 

Letty. What shall we get? 

Suzanne. Oh, something! You just give me an 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 23 

apron and turn me loose in your kitchen and 1*11 get 
you up a dinner that will surprise you. 

Letty. (To Dick) Good-bye, dear. (Exit 
Letty and Suzanne r. 3 e.) 

Dick. And I am the lucky individual who is sup- 
posed to eat that dinner and test the success of the 
experiment? I'll have a case of indigestion it will 
take whole medical faculty to cure. (Cross R.) 

Arthur Howard. (Enters L. 3 e. and gate) 
I'jiWo — Dick Preston] (Comes down R. to Dick) 

Dick. The devil! 

Eow^ARD. No, not the devil! Arthur Howard. 
{Shakes hands heartily) Vm delighted to see you. 

Dick. How do you do ? Awfully glad to see you. 
(Ci'osses to c.) How did you happen to find me? 

Howard. I was passing through the village when 
I met a photographer who had a picture of a romantic 
spot — a cottage covered with woodbine 

Dick. No — roses. 

Howard. What's the difference? I don't know 
a woodbine from a mortgage anyhow. I didn't 
recognize the locality but I did the inhabitant — who 
was caught in the act of watering a flower bed with 
a sprinkler, and in spite of a large straw hat and a 
contented expression, I recognized your fascinating 
self. 

Dick. So glad! (Aside softly) Damn it! 

Howard. I asked a verdant looking native whose 
place it was and he said it belonged to a young 
Mr. Brown 

Dick. (Startled) Brown! 

Howard. Who had lately moved in with his 
wife 

Dick. (Greatly perturbed. Goes R.) His wife? 

Howard. Yes, his wife. So you are visiting 
them, eh? 

Dick. (Relieved) Yes, I am visiting them, but 
I am going to town now. Come and walk in with 
me. (Takes Howard c. by arm) 



24: BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Howard. (Disengaging himself) Oh, I'm in no 
hurry. 

Dick. (Crosses hach r. c.) No. He's in no 
hurry. 

Howard. Tell me, when did you come out ? 

Dick. About the same time Brown did. 

Howard. Almost one of the family, oh ? 

Dick. Almost, yes. 

Howard. What sort of a chap is this Brown? 

Dick. Brown ? 

Howard. Yes Brown, your host. What kind of 
a fellow is he? 

Dick. Oh, he's an imaginary. 

Howard. What ? 

Dick, I mean flighty, sort of a fellow. 

Howard. Perhaps I know him, is he a pale 
fellow ? 

Dick. Sometimes. 

Howard. Rather short! 

Dick. Generally! (Bus, of pocket) 

Howard. What ? 

Dick. No — about my height. (Aside) T\Tiy 
don't he go ? 

Howard. And his wife — is she pretty? {Comes 
down L. hy bench) 

Dick. (Following him) A perfect picture. 

(Enter Suzanne with saucepan r. 3, sleeves rolled 
up. Wears apron. Has flour on face. Dick 
sees her, bus.) 

Howard. Is that Mrs. Brown? 
'Dick. No — yes^ that's Mrs. Brt,wn. 

(Suzanne goes to gate c. and throws away two 
eggs. Comes down n. c.) 

Suzanne. There's something wrong with tliose 
two eggs. They've been boiling for fifteen minutes 



BROWN'S m TOWN. 25 

and they're still hard. (Exits R. 3 into house, 
singing) 

Howard. Take me in and introduce me. 

Dick. No, she's not receiving to-day. 

Howard. (Crossi7ig to R. c.) Oh, come on. 

Dick. (Ptishes him to l. c. across) She'd never 
permit it in her present appearance. 

Primrose. {Enters carrying bundles and grips — 
dressed to leave. To Dick) Well, Mr. Brown 

Howard. Mr. Brown. 

Dick. {Going to Primrose) If you want to see 
Mr. Brown, he's gone to the meadows to catch a cow 
and he won't be back until to-night. {To Howard) 
Come on, Howard, let's go. (Dick and Howard go 
up. Howard reconsiders and brings Dick down) 

Howard. No — no 

Primrose. No, you don't. No, you don't. Yo' 
ain't goin' to play none yo' tricks on me, you said yo' 
name was Brown — and Brown it is! 

Howard. {Goes to Primrose. Dick angrily 
crosses l.) Is he Brown? 

Primrose. That's what he is. 

Howard. Are you sure? 

Primrose. Sure? Do you suppose I don't know 
my own boss? 

Howard. And is he married? 

Primrose. Well I hope so. (Dick loohs up) 
They's a lady in thar who calls herself Mis' Brown, 
an' she was in my kitchen tryin' to learn me how to 
cook. {In front of bench R.) 

Howard. Ha, ha, ha. Brown ! So you're doing 
Brown, eh? {Slaps Dick on shoulder) 

Dick. No, I'm done Brown. {Crosses c. to 
Primiiose) 

Primrose. So you please give me my money. 

Dick. I haven't a cent. The money I expected 
didn't come. 

Primrose. (Crosses out to c. Dick crosses R.) 
Very well ! T participated as much, but I'll be back 



26 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

to see you, and when I do come, tliey's goin* to be 
trouble. {Goes up) 

Dick. (Going up to. h-er) Don't you talk to mc 
that way, Primrose. 

Peimrose. (Snappingly) Trouble! (Dick re- 
treats) Jes' as sho's my name's Primrose Johnson ! 
(Same bus.) Does yo' heah me? (Exit Primrose 
L. 3 E.) 

Howard. Ha, ha, ha ! Married, and on the sly 1 
Well, you must have some weighty reason for keep- 
ing it secret ! 

Dick. I did have, but it doesn't matter now. 
Good-bye, old boy. (Tries to urge Hovtard aivay) 

Howard. But — I'm not going 

Dick, Oh, no, of course you're not going. 

Howard, (l. c.) Where is your wife? Produce 
her, I want to meet her. 

Dick. (r. c.) My boy, she would love to meet 
you, but she has gone away for the day. 

Howard. For the day? 

Dick. Yes. She may stay several days. She 
often does. 

Howard. Where has she gone? 

Dick. I don't know. 

Howard. "What ? 

Dick. I mean to say she is gone. You know, she 
takes a notion to go somewhere and then she goes, 
and I don't see her again until she comes back. 
(Crossing R. Aside) I wish he'd go. 

Howard. Why, nonsense ! She was here only a 
moment ago — she couldn't have gone far. By the 
•way, do you know I am rathe^- surprised at your 
marriage ? 

Dick. Are you? 

Howard. Yes. I always thought you fancied 
Letty Leonard? 

Dick. (Turns to him) Did you? 

Howard. Yes. You know Letty is a rather nice 
little girl. 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. ^X 

Dick. Do you think so? 

Howard. I always thought she liked you. 

Dick. Did you? 

Howard. Oh, of course I was mistaken. 

Dick. Yes ! 

Howard. Letty and I are rather good friends. 
You know? 

Dick. Oh, are you? {Angrily doubling fists, etc.) 

Howard. Yes. She's a little shy — coy — and all 
that sort of thing, but we understand each other 
perfectly, and, confidentially, we're going to be 
married soon. 

Dick. Why you can't marry Letty Leonard. 

Howard. Yes, I can — and I will. Her father 
didn't want her to marry any one for a year, but 
I talked him around — talked the whole family 
around. I have the consent of everyone excepting 
Letty, and I*m going to ask her when she returns 
from her visit next week — (Turns aiuay and crosses 

L.) 

Dick. Why I thought Mr. Leonard wanted 
Letty 

Howard. {Turns quickly) Look here, old man, 
please speak of my future wife as Miss Leonard. 
You know " Letty " is so very familiar. 

Dick. Well, who has a better right 

Howard. What ? 

Dick. (r. c.) To object, than you have? I 
meant to say that I thought Mr. Leonard wanted 
Miss Leonard to marry some rich fellow whom he 
had picked out. 

Howard, (l. c.) Oh, yes. So he did. But I 
talked him around, and now he wants her to marry 
me. It seems rather heartless, but if Letty doesn't 
marry. me, well — she will have rather a lively time 
of it. (Crosses c.) So come, old man, congratulate 
me in return. (Offers hand) 

Dick. Yes, I will, when you are married. 

Howard. You don't doubt what I have told you? 



28 BEOWN'S IN TOWN. 

Dick. Oh, no ! (Howaed crosses l.) But there's 
many a slip Hwixt the cup and the lip. (Dick 
crosses up to R. 3 and looks off in door) 

Howard. Perhaps. (Picks up Suzanne's hat) 
Why, what is this? 

Dick. (Starts down) Eh? Oh, that's a hat. 
(He goes up R.) 

Howard. Oh, yes — a lady's hat. Your wife's? 

Dick. No. (Takes hat) Yes — my wife's. 

Howard. It must have cost you a pretty penny. 

Dick. Not a cent. 

(Howard looks up.) 

Howard. What ? 

Dick. I mean — very expensive. 

Howard. So that is your wife's hat? 

Dick. Yes. 

Howard. I thought you said she had gone out? 

Dick. She wore another hat. 

Howard. She has another? 

Dick, (l.) She has a dozen more. 

Howard. (In front of bench l.) Think of all 
the smokes they cost you. 

Suzanne. (Enters r. 3 e. with pie, goes l. to 
Dick) Dick, isn't this pie lovely? Oh, you've got 
my hat. (Drops pie on Dick's foot, takes hat. Dick 
takes up pie) 

Howard. (To Dick) Introduce me. 

Dick. No^ no. 

Howard. You must. 

Dick. I tell you no. 

Howard. I will introduce myself. (Crosses R. 
pushing past Dick. To Suzanne) I beg your 
pardon — this husband — (Dick starts, Suzanne drops 
hat) of yours is a sly dog. 

Suzanne. (Indignant surprise) My husband? 

Howard. Oh, concealment is useless, I've found 
you out. 



BROWN^S IN TOWN. 29 

Dick. {Frantically signals her) Yes, he's found 
us out. 

Suzanne. Oh, has he! 

HowAED. I know all about it. 

Dick. He knows all about it. 

Suzanne. Oh, does he? Well, I don't. 

Howard. His father — the secret — and all that 
sort of thing. I'm Arthur Howard, your huvsband's 
best friend. I was waiting to see you, but he said 
you had gone out. 

Dick. (Frantically motions to her. Tlieiv crosses 
R. between her and Howard) Yes. You went out, 
but — you got back again, didn't you? 

Suzanne. (Loohs in amazemejit at Dick) Yes 
— I got back. 

Howard. {Moves Dick around to c. and crosses 
to Suzanne, Dick fafis with pie, tries to put it in 
pocket, etc.) Dick is so nervous. He couldn't in- 
troduce me, but now I know who you are and you 
know who I am, so we'll let formalities aside. I say, 
old man, did you tell her I was going to stay to 
dinner. 

Dick. {Angrily) No, I did not! 

Howard. Well, I am. 

Dick. {Thrusts pie into his hands) Have some 
pie. 

Howard. {To Suzanne, gives her pie) Do you 
know I consider a fellow mean who won't devote 
some of his time to his friends. Dick invited me so 
warmly I couldn't refuse. {He goes up. Suzanne 
goes L. to Dick and gives him the pie) Great place 
Jiere, haven't you? Mr. and Mrs. Brown? {Laughs) 
I say, old man — {Comes doivn) Take me some- 
wh-ere where I can wash my hands, will you? 

Dick. {Gives pie to Suzanne, and crosses c. 
^he gives it to Howard. He gives it to Dick. 
Aside) Damn that pie! {To Howard, gives him 
pie) Certainly — come out into the barn with me. 
(Seizes Howard and tries to urge him out) 



30 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Howard. (Startled) The barn! Oh, Mrs- 
Brown will show me, won't yon, Mrs. Brown? 
Dick. Come with me. Come on ! 

(Both go up to R. u. e.) 

Howard. (LooTcing hack) I will be back 
directly, Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Brown? Ha, ha, ha I 
(Exit Howard and Dick r. u. e.) 

Suzanne. That fellow is crazy! (Suddenly) 
and he's got my pie ! ( Goes up to R. 4, looks off — 
Dick re-enters R. 4. She brings him down) Mr» 
Preston, T demand an explanation ! 

Dick, (c.) You're entitled to it. You must be 
my wife. 

Suzanne, (l. c.) What! 

Dick. I say you must be my wife. 

Suzanne. What's that? Are you going to com- 
mit bigamy? 

Dick. No. You're only my wife for a day or 
two. 

Suzanne. (Crosses R.) Oh, you monster! I 
shall go and tell Letty, and leave your house. 

Dick. (Catches her and seats her on bench R.) 
No. I beg of you, sit down. Be calm. Just for a 
moment. That fellow out there — (Pointing r. 4) 
is Arthur Howard. He's very much in love with 
Letty; if he finds out she's married it will ruin 
everything. Now he knows I'm married, and has 
taken you for my wife. 

Suzanne. Me ? 

Dick. You. And, until he goes you must be my 
Avife. 

Suzanne. (Rising) I'll do nothing of the kind. 

Dick. You must. 

Suzanne. I won't. 

Dick. I beg of you. 

Suzanne. I shan't! 

Dick. For heaven's sake 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 31 



Suzanne. No— no ! 
Dick. For ni}- sake- 



SuzAXXE. No — no — no- 
DiCK. For Letty's sake- 



SuzANXE. I — I will — for Letty's sake. 

Dick. (Laughing) Ha, ha, ha! Now, listen. 
As soon as he gets back, I want vou to act the part. 
Ee affectionate 

SuzAXXE. Oh, Dick 

Dick. Call me dear 



SuzAXXE. Oh, I couldn't- 
Dick. And darling- 



SuzAXXE. Oh, Dick! 

Dick. And baby 

SuzAXXE. Oh, don't ask me. 

HowAED. (Out E. r. E. Calling) Dick, Dick! 

Dick. Look out, here he comes ! 

(Enter Howard b, u. e.) 

SuzAXXE. (SuzAXXE and Dick cross l. emhrac- 
ing and bus. affection) Dear — darling — baby. 

Howard, (r. of c.) Caught you have I? Bill- 
ing and cooing, eh? 

Dick. Yes. She does the cooing, and I pav the 
bills. 

Howard. Oh, don't mind me. Just consider me 
one of the family — if you like, I'll be one of the 
family and stay a week. 

(Dick and Suzaxxe drop on bench.) 

Dick. (Rising) Oh, we couldn't think of keep- 
ing you in this dull hole. 

Howard. Dull hole? Why there's nothing dull 
about this place. 

Suzaxxe. No. It's prettv lively, come to think 
of it. 

Dick. It will be. 



3^ BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Howard. (Crosses l. To Suzanne. Dick comes 
down) Well, I'll accept your kind invitation to 
stay a week with you. 

Suzanne. Oh, so sorry, but we haven't any cook. 

Howard. Oh, haven't you? 

Dick and Suzanne. No. 

Howard. How jolly ! Just turn me loose in your 
kitchen — (Starts for kitchen. They drag him to 
tench L.) 

Dick. (r. of bench goes to c.) Don't ^o near 
that kitchen. 

Howard. (On bench l.) You have no idea of 
how I can cook. 

Suzanne, (l. of bench) Yes, but our cook is so 
peculiar. 

> Howard. (Rises and crosses to Dick) I thought 
you said you had no cook? 

Dick. Well, we haven't, but one is coining. 

Suzanne. (Goes c. to them) Yes — yes — yes — 
one is coming. That's it. Ha, ha, ha! 

(Dick and Suzanne laugh nervously.) 

Dick. And you know I have a presentiment that 
he doesn't care to have any strangers in his kitchen. 

Suzanne. No — no ! 

Howard. Too bad. Lock me in and I will get 
you a dinner that will give you indigestion for a 
week. 

Dick. (Indicating Suzanne with nod) She will 
ptfcend to that. 

Suzanne. (Suddenly) Oh! I forgot — (Dick 
a'nd Howard start) I left my biscuits in the frying 
pan, on a hot fire ! Must flop 'em. (She crosses up 
R. Howard crosses l. to bench, Dick crosses R. to 
Suzanne) 

Dick. (To Suzanne) Warn Letty to keep out 
of sight. (Exit Suzanne r. 3. Dick crosses l. To 
Howard) You'll excuse me, won't you, old chap? 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 33 

Just sit down and make yourself comfortable. 
(Crosses to c Aside) Oh, I wish he'd drop dead. 
{Calling off) Hurry Suzanne, hurry! 

Suzanne. {Re-enters from R. 3) Dick — (Dick 
crosses R. u. to her) Letty is not in the house — she 
must be in the garden. 

Dick. Come — let's find her. 

Suzanne. Yes, let's find her. 

(Exit Dick and Suzanne r. u. e. Howard settles 
hack on hench, starts to read paper,) 

Worth Carew. (Enters l. 3, crosses c. turns, sees 
Howard, crosses l. to him) I beg youah pawdcn. 
May I speak to you a moment, sir? 

Howard. Certainly. 

Worth. Have you seen anything of a young 
lady? 

Howard. Well, your conversation is remarkably 
interesting, but a trifle indefinite. Are you looking 
for some one? 

Worth. Yes. A young lady, Miss Dacre. She's 
stopping near here, in the vicinity. You would know 
her in a moment if you should see her; she has her 
name on her pocket handkerchief. 

Howard. Well, I haven't seen a pocket handker- 
chief accompanied by a — (Worth crosses r.) young 
lady, recently. Sorry I can't assist you. 

Worth. Why here's her hat. (Piclcs up her hat 
from chair r.) 

Howard. Why that hat belongs to Mrs. Brown. 

Worth. (Replaces hat and crosses c.) Mrs. 
Brown? Impossible! That hat belongs to Miss 
Dacre. There must be some mistake. (Looks in 
kitchen door) 

Howard. Well I heard the owner of it call her- 
self Mrs. Brown, not ten minutes ago. 

Worth. Oh, there is some terrible mistake here. 
T eawn't understand it at all. Where is she? 



34 BROWN\S IN TOWN. 

(Howard points r. u. e. Worth loohs off) There, 
with a man ! (Turns to Howard) Is that Brown? 

Howard. Certainly. That's Mr. and Mrs. 
Brown. 

Worth. She has deceived me ! Now I know why- 
she doesn't want me around here. But I'll find out 
about this. I'm a desperate man. (Exits R. u. E.) 

Howard, I wonder what the deuce is the matter 
with these people. (Reads a paper) 

Letty. (Enters) Suzanne! Suzanne! (LooTcs 
off L. IT. E.) Wliere can she be I wonder? (Crosses 
to R.) Suzanne! Suzanne! Oh, dear, her biscuits 
are burned to a crisp — (Howard rises and crosses c.) 
and she told me she knew how to cook! (Crosses C. 
Meets Howard) 

Howard. Wliy Letty Leonard! 

Letty. (Horrified) Arthur Howard! 

Howard. (Shakes her hand) I'm delighted to 
see you. How are you? 

Letty. I'm equally surprised to see you. Does 
anyone else know you are here? 

Howard. Why of course — they all know I'm here, 
but I didn't know that you were here. 

Letty. Oh, yes — yes — I have been here for 
several days. 

JHowARD. (Going L. laughingly) Say, great 
joke, that — Brown and his wife, isn't it? 

Letty. (FoVoivs him l.) Why — do you know 
that? 

Howard. Why of course, Dick couldn't keep a 
secret from me. (Looks off r. u. e.) Here he 
comes now, with his wife. 

Letty. His wife? 

Howard. Yes. Mr. and Mrs. Brown. 

(Enter Suzanne arid Dick r. hurriedly, they see 
Howard and Letty — hath horrified.) 

Dick and Suzanne. Great Scott ! (Ad. lib. both 
r.) 



BROWN'S m TOWN. 35 

Howard. Why didn't you tell me that she was 
visiting you? 

Dick. (Waving hand nervously) Oh, we wanted 
to give you a surprise. 

Suzanne. {Same bus.) Yes, we wanted to give 
you a surprise. 

Howard. {Same bus.) Oh, I see. 

Letty, Dick, Howard and Suzanne. (All same 
bus. — waving hands) Ha, ha, ha! 

Howard. {Turns to Letty) I say Letty, let's 
go for a stroll. 

Letty. No — no! {Crosses to Suzanne) 

Dick. {Crosses L. c. to Howard) I think it's 
going to rain. 

Howard. Dry up! Can't a fellow pop the ques- 
tion ? 

Dick. {Horrified and indicating Letty) To 
her? 

Howard. Certainly. 

Dick. {Aside) Phew! 

Howard. Can't a fellow ask a girl to marry him? 
{Passes Dick to l. corner) Come on Letty, for our 
stroll. {Takes Letty by arm and both go up c. 
Suzanne crosses l. to Dick) 

Letty. Oh, Mr. Howard — please 

Howard. I'm awful glad I came. 

Letty. Oh, Mr. Howard 

Howard. Dick, you're a brick. {Starts of with 
Letty — Dick follows them. Suzanne follows Dick 
tugging his coat tails. Exit Howard and Letty 
R. u. E., Howard laughing loudly and talJcing; 
Letty dismayed. Dick and Suzanne looh off after 
them) 

Suzanne. {Brings Dick down) Here — do you 
want to ruin everything? 

Dick, He's gone to propose to my wife. 

Suzanne. It won't do him any good. 

Dick. Well I don't like it. 

Suzanne. T don't suppose she does, either. 



Se BEOWN^S IN TOWN. 

Dick. She may. (Starts up c.) 

Suzanne. (Restrains him) Oh, Dick — don't be 
foolish ! 

Dick. Now you let me alone ! ( Goes up. Hold- 
ing him) 

Suzanne. Oh, Dick! 

Dick. (Going to gate) Suzanne — stop that! 

Suzanne. Here! Here! (Pulls him haclc) 

Dick. Go away from me! (Goes out at gate) 

Suzanne. Poor Dick Preston ! ( Crosses l. to 
bench. Exit Dick r. 4 e.) 

Freda. (Enters l. 4, crosses c, then l. to 
Suzanne) Ah, wie gehts? Sprechen sie Deutsche? 
Nein? No? 

Suzanne. No. 

Freda. Young womans, could I tell you my 
troubles ? 

Suzanne. More troubles ! 

Freda. Don't choke mit me. I am looking for a 
vipers. 

Suzanne. For a what? 

Freda. A vipers — a vipers ! 

Suzanne. A vipers? 

Freda. A vipers — a vipers, one of dose — (Bus. 
with parasol scroll on ground) 

Suzanne. Oh — a snake. (^Climhs on bench) 

Freda. No, you don't understandt me. I mean a 
vipers dot varmed himself in my bosom and den he 
stung me. I am shtung. 

Suzanne. Poor thing. 

Freda. I haf intentions dot he should marr\' me. 
He is rich, and I am so beautiful. He is my 
affinity. 

Suzanne. Your what? 

Freda. My affiditity. 

Suzanne. Oh! You mean he is your affinity! 

Freda. Yes — yes — yes — He is my affidivity. 

Suzanne. Ha, ha, ha! 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 37 

Freda. Oh, you are so goot and kind. You see, 
I loaf him so mooch, and he loves me — not much. 

Suzanne. No? 

Freda. But he is here. He plays mit me a 
pick-a-boos. 

Suzanne. A what? 

Freda. Oh, such a hidings. But I vill findt 
him. (Starts for front door of cottage) 

Suzanne. Here! You mustn't go in there. 

Freda. (Turning) Please, don't touch me. 

Suzanne. Here, here ! Letty wouldn't allow you 
in there. 

Freda. Ach, do leiber. I vill make a vaitings. 
(Exit into cottage. Bus. Noise outside, etc. — 
'' Whoa, etc." Suzanne goes up c.) 

Abel Preston. (WitJiout l. e. 3) What's that? 
Charge me two dollars to drive me up here, only 
two miles? Why, you lean, lank, slab sided im- 
poster, what do you take me for? 

Suzanne. (Comes down l. Aside) The cook! 

Abel. (Without l. 3) Here's a dollar. Take 
it or leave it. (Enters L. 3 talking hack) Don't 
try to .argue with me, I won't have it, do you hear? 
(At gate\ Ah, I am here at last! (Coming down) 
My! That sun is hot. 

Suzanne. Hah! It's the cook! (Crosses to c.) 
Ah, you are here, are you? 

Abel. Yes, I'm here. Is Brown in? 

Suzanne. Yes, yes. Brown is in. (Aside) It's 
the cook. 

Abel. Good ! 

Suzanne. (Bus.) Now sir — now sir! To busi- 
ness. 

Abel. Business? What are you talking about? 

Suzanne. Well, I hope you know your business. 

Abel. Well, I hope I do. What has my business 
got to do with you? 

Suzanne. Well you'll find that I mean business. 



88 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Abel. You take my advice young woman, and 
mind your own business. 

Suzanne. Here, here, here! Don't you shout at 
me. 

Abel. Well don't you screech at me. 

Suzanne. Tut — tut I That will do. He's been 
expecting you. 

Abel. What — been expecting me? 

Suzanne. Yes, and I'm glad you've come. I 
have burned my fingers a dozen times. 

Abel. What has that got to do with me? 

Suzanne. Well, it's got a good deal to do with 
me. Are you ready to begin? 

Abel. Ready to begin? 

Suzanne. Yes. To commence. 

Abel. Commence? What are you talking about? 

Suzanne, Say — what are you here for? 

Abel, What's the matter with you — are you 
crazy ? 

Suzanne. No. Are you? 

Abel. No, but I will be if this keeps up. 

Suzanne. I don't doubt it. 

Abel. Look here, I won't stand any impertinence 
from you. Not a bit of it. 

Suzanne. For pity's sake, shut up ! Get a move 
on you. (Crosses r.) Get to work. Follow me — 
come on. (Exit Suzanne b. 2) 

Abel. Get to work ? What the devil are you talk- 
ing about, woman ? How dare you ! Why, you im- 
pertinent minx, you wait till I find Mr. Brown and 
there will be a cleaning out in this establishment. 
]\Jrs. Brown! Mrs. Brown! (Exit Abel into house) 

Worth. (Enters r. u. e.) Mrs. Brown? Mrs. 
Brown? He said Mrs. Brown! They are quarreling, 
he must be her husband. I will follow him; he has 
cheated mo out of tlie only girl T ever loved. I'm a 
desperate man. (Exit R. 3 e. Enter Howard, 
Letty and Dick r. 4 e. Letty crosses l. to bench ) 

Letty. Oh, I'm so tired. 



BROWN^S IN TOWN. 39 

Howard, {crosses to her) Tired, poor dear? I 
know you are tired. 

Letty. Let me — alone. 

Howard. He's enough to make anyone tired. 
(Goes c. to Dick) Hang it, Dick, keep away. Don't 
you see Letty is dying to be alone with me? 

Dick. Nothing of the kind. 

HoAVARD. Oh, very well, if you won't keep away 
we'll go on just as though you had gone. (Goes to 
Letty) Darling — (Dick is going toward r. starts 
and turns) I love you, and I can see that my love 
is reciprocated. 

Dick, {Crosses l. angrily) The devil you can! 

Howard. Oh, dry up ! Who's doing this propos- 
ing, you or me? 

Dick. {Aside) I'll have to thrash him. ,( Crosses 
toward c.) 

Howard. Will you be my wife? {Crash i7iside 
R. 2 E, Dick startled. Enter Suzanne hurriedly 
R. 3. Letty crosses R. to her) WTiat's the matter? 

Suzanne. The cook ! 

Letty. Did he come? 

Suzanne. Did he come! He's crazy! 

{Crash in house R. 2 e.) 

Dick, Letty and Howard. (Start) Crazy! 
Suzanne. A raving lunatic! (Crash) 
Abel. (In cottage) Open that door. Let me 
out of here, confound it all! 

Suzanne. I locked him in the kitchen. 

(Crash. Exit Howard l. u. e. Enter from front 
door of cottage Freda mildly disheveled — she 
.exits hurriedly l. u. e. following Howard. Enter 
Abel from cottage dragging Worth Carew all 
tattered and beaten. Abel and Dick reco.gnize 
each other — Abel tickled — Dick paralyzed.) 



Abel, Dick — Dick — my boy. 



A 



40 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Dick. Father ! 

(They embrace, Worth hurriedly exits c. to h, 
Letty faints, Suzanne catches her.) 

CURTAIN. 



ACT II. 



Scene : — The same. Bench up e. overturned. Pans 
scattered out to l. c. At rise Pollock dis- 
covered picking up pans. Be crosses to bench 
up R. 

Primrose. (Enters l. u. e.) Lawdy me, Mr. 
Pollock, what yo' all been doin' to de kitchen ? 

Pollock. I don't know — looks like a cyclone 
struck it, don't it? 

Primrose. Well, I should sav it does. (Crosses 

Pollock. (Crosses to c.) I thought you done it. 

Primrose. (Crosses c. Pollock crosses r. behind 
bench) "WTiy — me? I want you to understand I'm 
a lady, sah ! Don't yo' incinerate anything agin' my 
character, or I'll lacerate you. 

Pollock. (Comes from behind bench, Primrose 
crosses c.) Never mind Primrose. Don't git excited. 
Wlio do you reckon done it? 

Primrose. I bet six bits dat cookin' school lady 
done tried to light de fire wid kerosene ! 

Pollock. Ain't we goin' to get no dinner to-day ? 

Primrose. Don't y'all pester me 'bout yo' ole 
dinner man. (Crosses R.) 

Pollock. (Crosses c.) Why Primrose, you ain't 
quit? 

Primrose. (Turns on him) Yes, I has, I don't 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 41 

do another stroke of work — till I gets my seven dol- 
lars an' foah bits. 

Pollock. (Crosses up to c.) Didn't he pay you? 

Primrose. Not a cent ! 

Pollock. By gosh I'll have to git my pay, or I'll 
go on a strike myself 

Worth. (Sticking head up from rain barrel) 
Ss-s-st ! 

Primrose. (Crosses l., quickly looks R.) Laws 
sakes — what was dat? 

Pollock. (Same bus.) I don't know. 

Worth. (Looking out of barrel) Is it all over? 

Primrose. (Angrily crosses to barrel) Look a 
heah man. What does y'all mean by hidin' in dat ar 
ba'l. 

(Pollock crosses to barrel right.) 

Worth. Excuse me, I didn't mean to frighten vou. 
(They help him out of barrel. All three come down. 
Worth hands Pollock piece of window sash from 
about his neck) Heah's a piece of youah window. 
(Crosses l. Primrose crosses — Pollock crosses up\ 
R. and looks at sash. Places it by window) Have 
you seen my coat? 

Primrose. Mr. Pollock — (Pollock comes down r. 
to her) Who is this pusson? 

Pollock. Oh, that's the feller that was around 
liere to-day lookin' for somebody. 

Primrose. From de way he looks he must have 
found him. 

Worth. I say, me good woman 

Primrose. (Crosses c.) See heah, man, don't yo' 
be so familiar. Fust thing I know y'all be callin' me 
by my Christian name. 

Worth. What is your Christian name ? 

Primrose, (r. to Pollock) Mr. Pollock, dis 
gem'men wishes to make ma acquaintance. Yo' kin 
interduce him. 



i2. BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Worth. Eh ? 

Pollock. (Crossing c.) This yere is Miss John- 
son. 

Primbose. {Swinging Pollock r. and crosses c.) 
Mary Ellen Primrose Johnson ! 

Worth. Well, Miss Mary Ellen Primrose John- 
son, don't be an^y. Here's a dollar for you. 

Primrose. (Stepping hack angrily) Look a-heah, 
man, don't y'all come none yo' Julius Caesar's over 
me! 

Worth. No — no — no ! I want to find out some- 
thing and I'm willing to pay you to tell me. 

Primrose. Oh, dat's different. Gimme yo' ole 
dollar. (Takes money) 

Pollock. {Crosses to Primrose — to Worth) 
Say, they hunnt nuthin' I kin tell ye, is they? 

Primrose. Mr. Pollock, dis gem'men an' me 'lows 
to hold a little confabulation, will yo' please make 
y'se'f sca'ce. 

Pollock. Certainly, Primrose. Certainly. I'll 
just go out and do my chores and then I'll lay for 
Brown and if I don't get my wages I'll go right over 
to Squire Tucker and git a summons for him. See 
if I don' B'gosh ! (Exit R. 1) 

Primrose. Now suh, percede to business. 

Worth. Does Mr. Brown live here ? 

Primrose. He calls himself Brown, but dat ain't 
his real name. He's livin' heah undah a finny de 
sickle. 

Worth. Fin de side? You mean nom de plimie. 

Primrose. (Starting to kitchen) Mabbe y'all 
knov/s mor' 'bout it dan I does ! 

Worth. (Restrains her) No, no ! How long has 
he been married? 

Primrose. Not long. Dey ain't begun to quarrel 

yit. 

Worth. Is there a single lady visiting them? 
Primrose. No, sah. Besides de missus, de only 
othah lady 'round de place is me. 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 43 

Worth. Sure? 

Phimrose. Certainly. 

Worth. {Crossing r. excitedly, Primrose crosses 
L.) She has deceived me. She is married and is 
concealing it, I thought so all the time. 

Primrose. See heah, man, what's de mattah wid 
you? 

Worth, (Sees coat r. behind bench) Ah, here's 
my coat! (Picks it up and turns to her) I'll go. 
I'll go — ('Crosses up c.) But I'll return and when I 
do, I'll — I'll — speak to him about it. And if he 
strikes me, I'll — I'll — sue him for assault. I'm a 
desperate man. (Crosses l. u. e.) 

Primrose. Dat man am sho' looney. He'd better 
keep away f'm heah ! (Exit r. u. e.) 

Dick. (Enters L. 2. Crosses c.) Letty, Letty, 
dear. 

Letty, (Enters R. 2 e. Goes to Dick) Here I 
am. 

Dick, Where's father? 

Letty. He's up stairs. 

Dick. Isn't this awful ? 

Letty. Our little kitchen! Our pretty little 
kitchen, it's a wreck, and I was just going to learn 
how to cook.* 

Dick. Yes, dear, perhaps it's all for the best. 

Letty. (Offended) Oh, Dick. 

Dick. No, I didn't mean that dear. 

Letty. And our secret, that we thought was kept 
so carefully, your father is likely to discover it at any 
minute. Primrose has gone to town and she'll be sure 
to tell everyone, we owe a penny 

DiCTK. (Turns arvmj — crosses, comes l.) And 
thev'll all be cominsr around here to collect, and I — 
I'm broke ! 

Letty. (Crosses R.) Oh, dear, dear! 

Howard. (With out r. u. e. Calling) Dick! 
Dick ! 

Letty. There's Arthur Howard. 



M BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Dick. Fd like to wring his neck ! 
Letty. Be careful what you say to him. 
Dick. Keep out of sight. 

{Bus. Letty and exit Letty k. 2 e.) 

Howard. (Enters R. u. e. €omes c.) I'm 
shocked, sir? Shocked at your conduct to me. I 
don't see how you can look me in the face. 

Dick. (Crosses c.) Why, what's the matter with 
your face? 

Howard. You owe me 

(Dick crosses l.) 

Dick. I know. I owe everybody. I can't help it. 

Howard. Not money, sir ! You owe me an 
apology. 

Dick. All right, I'll apologize freely. By the 
way, what have I done ? 

Howard. (Takes c.) Done? Why you've pre- 
vented me from opening my heart to one of the 
sweetest, loveliest girls that ever lived. 

Dick. Who — Freda Von Hollenbeck? 

Howard. No. Letty Leonard. 

Dick. Yes, I think she is. 

Howard. You ? You're a married man ! ^Hiat 
would your wife say if she heard you? 

Dick. My wife thoroughly agrees with me. 

Howard. (Crosses l. to Dick) Your constant 
presence is an intrusion. See ? Hang it ! I mean to 
marry the lady. 

Dick. Do you? Not if I can prevent it. 

Howard. What have you to do with it ? 

Dick. I am slightly interested. 

Howard, (c. going up stage looking r.) Oh, are 
you? (Turns toward c.) Here she comes now, and 
she's crying. Look at her. You ought to be ashamed 
of yourself. (Stands at gate c. hack to audience) 

Letty. (At door of cottage) Dick — Dick, dear— 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 45 

(Howard turns and holes at her. Dick signals to 
Letty. Howard looks at Dick) Dick, your father 
will be down stairs directly 

Dick. And he'll begin to ask questions, and if we 
haven't any answers 

Letty. What will he do ? 

Dick. If we could only get him out of the way! 

Letty. Yes 

Howard. (Crossing down c.) Are you speaking 
of me, sir? 

Dick. No, I'm not speaking of you, sir ! (Crosses 
c.) I meant my father. I'm going to send him back 
to town. 

Howard. (Crosses c.) Oh, and this is your filial 
affection ? 

Dick. Now you shut up! You seem to worry a 
good deal about him. 

Howard. I do. I sympathize with him. And, in 
return for your treatment of me, I'll tell him that 
you're married. 

Letty. Don't you know that would ruin Dick? 

Howard. (Crossing c.) Precisely. That's why 
I'm going to do it, 

Dick. Is that so? 

Howard. Yes. 

Dick. This thing has gone far enough. 

Howard. Too far. I'll be revenged for this inter- 
ference. Even the humble worm will turn. (Crosses 

E.) 

Dick. (Follows him r.) Now you've got to swear 
secrecy, or take the consequences. 

Howard. What do you mean ? 

Dick. I mean, sir, that if my father hears of my 
marriage he will shortly afterwards hear of your 
funeral. 

Letty. Diclc 

(Dick winks at Letty.) 
Howard. What ! 



46 BROWN'S m TOWK 

Dick. At one throw of the dice I may lose wife^ 
fortune and all, you've got to keep out of this or 
answer to me. 

Howard. But suppose he should learn it from 
someone else? 

Dick. No matter how he learns it. The minute he 
finds it out I'll order you to leave. You'll find it in 
your interest to help me conceal the truth. 

Howard. (Approaches Dick and shakes hands) 
Why of course, old fellow, I was only joking, all the 
time. 

Dick. Yes? (Looks at Letty) 

Howard. Why, I wouldn't think of giving you 
away. Of course, I don't mind a little fight, and all 
that sort of thing, you know, but I would scorn to 
betray a friend. (Eaises hand) 

Dick. (Pulls Howard's hand down) Why of 
course you would, good-bye! Good-bye. (Turns 
Howard up towards c.) 

Howard. (Turns hack again) Good-bye? 

Dick. (Taking him, up c.) Yes, good-bye. Sorry 
to see you go. You know 

Howard. (Stops) Yes, but I'm not going. 

Dick. Oh, yes, you are. (Ad lib. all come down c. 
Then go up) 

Letty. Oh, T know Dick would be delighted to 
have you stay. 

Dick. Yes, T would love to have you stay — but. 
you'd better go. 

Howard. Yes, but 

. Dick. (Crosses 'R.) Good-bye. (Crowds TLoward 
hack — Letty crosses R. of gate) Thank goodness 
we're rid of liim. (Dick facing front thinks Howard 
has gone) 

Howard. But I'll be back directly. (Kisses 
Letty's ha7id. She screams, crosses down l. Bus. 
with hand. Exit Howard l. u. e.) 

Dick. (Crosses l.) What's that? Wliat's the 
matter with vour hand ? 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 47 

Letty. Nothing, nothing. I'm glad he's gone. 
I wish we could be rid of your father as easily. 

Dick. Yes, the governor is too sharp I fear. You 
must keep out of his way or he will begin to ask 
<luestions. 

Abel. (In house off R. 2 calling) Dick, Dick, my 
boy! 

Dick. Go quickly, dear ! Hurry! Hurry! 

Letty. (l. 2 e.) Dick, call me when he is gone. 

Dick. Yes. 

( Letty throws Dick hiss and exits l. 2 e. Dick sits 
on bench L.) 

Abel. (Enters R- 2 B.) Ah, Dick, there you are, 
my boy! Been waiting for me? (Dick rises and 
crosses c. to him) Have you? Glad to see your old 
dad? 

Dick. Glad? Wliy dad, glad is no name for it. 

Abel. Let me look at you, my boy. (Bus. Looks 
{t.t Dick, etc.) Why, you're as hearty as a buck, and 
brown as a berry. Never saw you looking so well 
in all your life. This comes of good habits — (Pats 
him on back) good habits, my boy, and being a 
bachelor; why, look at any young fool of a married 
man at your age, sir, what does he look like ? Anyone, 
to look at you, could tell that you had never been 
married. 

Dick. Could they, dad ? 

Abel. Oh, yes. You look so happy. 

Dick. Oh, yes, I am happy. 

Abel, (r.) Dick, you don't realize the trouble a 
man gets into by getting married. 

Dick. Don't I ? 

Abel. No, sir-ee. 

Dick. Perhaps I may some day. 

Abel. (Goes c. to Dick) Dick, what do you 
think ? 

Dick, What? 



48 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Abel. I lost my temper just now. One of the 
servants thought he would have fun with me and 
locked me up in the kitchen, biit I got even with the 
rascal. 

Dick. What did you do, father? 

Abel. Do? Wliy I pitched him out of that 
window, that's what I did ! 

Dick. Ha! Father, how did you happen to find 
me here ? 

Abel. {Sits on bench l. Dick goes to him) The 
merest accident in the world. Had business in the 
city — naturally went to your lodgings; you were not 
there, neither was Adams, your man. I waited, you 
didn't come, neither did Adams. I went out and 
dined — came back, still no son, no Adams. Then I 
began to prowl around the room and found a postal 
card lying in the corner and on it was written " Send 
all mailto Honeysuckle Lodge, Brighton road, Long 
[sland, care of Brown." Your name signed, and at 
the bottom — " Burn this." 

Dick. And it wasn't burned? 

Abel. No, lucky, wasn't it? 

Dick. Yes. {Cross c. Aside) I'll kill Adams! 

Abel. {Rises and crosses c.) Learning by this 
where you were located) I thought I would run down 
and surprise you. I've finished all my business and 
I'm going to spend the entire month with you. 

Dick. A month — dad? 

Abel. (b. c.) Yes, sir. 

Dick. (l. c.) Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! 

Abel. Dick, I'm so glad to see you. 

Dick. Oh, dad, the pleasure is aP mine ! 

Abel and Dick. {8hahng hands c.) Ha, ha, ha! 

Abel. {Suddenly) But where's Brown? 

Dick. Brown ? 

Abel. Yes. I want to apologize for the damage I 
did, Dick. Bring him out and introduce him. 

Dick. Introduce Brown? 

Abel. Certainly. Of course. Why not? 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 49 

Dick. Oh, Brown ? Brown isn't at home. 

Abel. No ? 

Dick. No, sir. Brown's in Town. 

Abel. Oh, Brown's in Town? 

Dick. Yes, sir. 

Abel. Well, go in the house, my boy, and see if 
he's got back. (Dick crosses R.) Will you? No, 
wait, I'll go with you and we'll hunt him up together. 
Oh, Dick, my boy, ain't you glad I came ? 

Dick. I'm tickled to death. {Exit both K. 1 E.) 

Suzanne. (Enters with pan of apples from house 
R. 2. Bus. goes to bench R.) I am in a fix, went to 
boil rice, must have put too much in the kettle, for 
everything in the kitchen is full of boiled rice and it 
isn't done boiling yet. I never had such trouble at 
the cooking school. {She sits in bench) My, it's hot 
in there. Warm out here too. {Puts on Letty's sun- 
bonnet. Bus. peels apples, etc.) 

Howard. {Enters l. u. e. Crosses c.) Dick's out 
of the way and there is Letty. I'll get to see her in 
spite of him. {Crosses down n.) Well, I've got back, 
dear. 

Suzanne. Eh ? 

Howard. I beg your pardon — I mistook you for 
Letty. 

Suzanne. Don't mention it. Why, I thought you 
had gone? 

Howard. Yes, so did Dick. He tried to drive me 
away, but I wouldn't go until I had seen Letty. Will 
you allow me to say that your husband is acting in a 
very peculiar manner ? 

Suzanne. My husband. Oh, yes — yes — yes, my 
husband. Oh, you mustn't mind him, he's nervous 
and o'dd, and all that sort of thing but I can't think 
he meant to be rude. 

Howard. {Comes back r.) I don't understand 
him at all. Why, he's treating me shamefully, he 
won't even let me have a word with Letty. 



50 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Suzanne. Well, he thinks so much of her you 
know. 

Howard. He does? 

Suzanne. Uh huh. 

Howard. WTiat right has he to think of her, I'd 
like to know? Do you permit it? 

Suzanne. Oh, I don't mind. 

Howard. You don't? 

Suzanne. That is, I mean I — I — I — I 

Howard. Oh, I see. (Suzanne holes up at him) 
You no longer care for him ? ( Suzanne looks away 
and smiles) And only been married a month ! 

Suzanne. Oh, you're mistaken. 

Howard. {Sits hy Suzanne on bench r.) Pardon 
me if I have discovered an unpleasant secret. Tell 
me, how did you come to marry Dick ? ( Tahes piece 
of apple from pan) 

Suzanne. Well, you see, we — well — it all came 
about so suddenly it was an accident. 

Howard. I don't wish to flatter you, but I don't 
see how Dick can neglect you for anyone. {Bus. 
fingers in pan — Mts his fingers with knife) Ow! 
(Rises and crosses c.) 

Suzanne. Oh, did I hurt j^ou? 

Howard. Not at all! {Aside) Nearly chopped 
my fingers off! {Comes lack) 

Suzanne. Oh, I'm so sorry. 

Howard. Some day he may go too far, and if ever 
you should need a friend, call on me. {Takes large 
hits of apples from pan ) 

Suzanne. Oh, I thank you so much, Mr. Howard, 
and though 1 don't think your kind help will ever be 
necessary, I shall always be glad to have your name 
on my list of friends. I'm going back to town shortly 
and I shall be glad to have you call. Papa will too. 

Howard. Dick won't. 

Suzanne. Oh, Dick won't be there. 

Howard. He won't. Ho, ho, I see. You intend 
to leave him. Well, I don't blame you, you are right. 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 51 

Any man who caiiH appreciate your beauty. {Takes 
piece of apple) Your wit — (Same) Your talent — 
(Same) Your cooking — (Same) deserves to lose you. 
Ah! Mrs. Preston — I mean, Mrs. Brown — (Takes 
hnndjul of apples) If I were only in Dick's place 

Suzanne. (Scrapes apples from his hands hack 
into pan. Rises and crosses t<., to door R. 3) I would 
like to borrow a few of them for my pie. (Exits in 
house B. 2. Howard starts to c.) 

Abel. (Ehters r. 1) Hello. There you are. I've 
found you, just in time. Going out? 

Howard. Yes. I was going back to town. 

Abel. Out for an airing, eh ? Well, don't go until 
I apologize for my mistake. 

Howard. (Has started up) Your apology is ac- 
cepted. (Turns, comes hack) By the way, what was 
the mistake? 

Abel. Why, I broke down the kitchen door and 
smashed a lot of crockery. 

Howard. The kitchen door? 

Abel. Yes. You see, somebody tried to play a 
joke on me; I lost my temper and everlastingly 
smashed things. (Laughs) 

Howard. Ha, ha, ha ! Great joke, wasn't it ? 
(Laughs) 

Abel. You don't mind? 

Howard. No, T don't care. 

Abel. Well, I was hasty. Always am hasty, you 
know; but there, there ! It don't make any difference. 
I like your looks. Now you've been a good friend 
to Dick and I like you myself, so, state your damage 
and I'll settle it. 

Howard. Oh, it's nothing at all. 

Abel. Yes, it is too. 

Howard. Oh, no. 

Abel. I had no business to lose my temper. (Bi^«. 
Hands in poclcel) You must accept some compensa- 
tion, Bro^vD. 

Howard. Brown ? 



52 BROWN^S IN TOWN. 



^\ 



Abel. Yes, Brown. That's jour name, isn't it? 
(Takes out roll of hills) 

Howard. Why — yes — (Sees money) ^Mly cer- 
tainly my name is Brown. 

Abel. Well, what's the damages ? 

Howard. Well, give me fifty dollars and we'll say 
no more about it. 

Abel. Fifty dollars? All right. 

Dick. (Enters R. 1) Say, father, I can't find him 
anywhere. 

Abel. Well, I found him. Here he is. 

Dick. ^W\o? 

Abel. Brown. 

Dick. Brown ? 

Abel. Here he is. 

Howard. Yes. Here I am. 

Dick. Oh, are you ? 

Abel. Yes, Dick. I'm going to give him fifty 
dollars for the damage I did in the kitchen. 

Dick. Are you going to give him fifty dollars ? 

ABEL. Yes, of course ! 

Dick. For that kitchen ? 

Abel. Why certainly. 

Dick. But father — look here, just a minute. 

Abel. Now Dick, don't interfere. Let me alone, 
I know what I am about. 

Dick. But father — just a moment, please. 

Abel. Well, sir, what is it? 

Dick. Don't give him the money, he might lose it. 
Give him a check. 

Abel. Not a bad idea. (Puts money in pocl'et. 
Takes out check hook — Dick pleased. Howard dis- 
gjisted) WTiat are your initials, Brown. 

Howard. (Ahsently) Hanged if I know. 

Abel. Eh ? 

Howard. I mean — C. D. 

Abel. C. D. Well — (Looks at Hoavard) You 
don't look very see-dy. (Laughs) That's a joke, 
Dick. 



BROWN'S m TOWN. 53 

Howard. Yes ? 

Abel. I am somewhat of a punster, myself, don't 
mind me, (Writes out check and hands it to 
Howaed) Well, there you are, a check on the First 
National Bank for fifty dollars — ^just as good as 
gold. 

Dick. Take it over and have it cashed. 

Abel. I can sign my name for a thousand times 
that amount — all just as good as gold — and it'll all 
go to that rascal if he don't make a fool of himself 
and get married. 

Howaed. Oh, he'll not marry very soon. 

Abel. (Going up c.) He'd better not; Brown, 
you've got a pretty place here. (Turns) 

Howard. Oh, it'll do. 

Abel. I'm going to look about a bit. (Exits R. 
u. E.) 

Howard. (^Crosses c. To Dick) Well, this does 
settle it. I'm gone. (Starts up c.) 

Dick, No, you're not. You're going to stay 
right here. 

Howard, (fiomes hack) Yes, but I 

Dick, You said your name was Brown, didn't 
you? 

Howard. Yes. 

Dick. Well, I am stopping here with Mr. Brown. 
There ia no Brown in reality, but there must be one, 
to get him away, and, until he goes, you're Brown. 

Howard. I would like to oblige you — but 

Dick. You will! 

Howard. But I've got important business 

Dick. My boy, if you go away there will be no 
Brown. 

Howard. I know% but you wanted me to go — 
and then it will avoid these little awkward slips of 
the tongue, you know. 

Dick. (Rolling up sleeves) Now, I don't propose 
to argue with you. Take your choice. It's Brown, 
or black and blue. (Both cross l.) 



54 BROWN^S IN TOWK 

HowAED. Oh, well, if you insist, Fll stay, 
(Dick crosses R.) 

Abel. (Enters from r. u. e.) Well, Brown. I'm 
glad to see you. Dick said you were going out. 
You haven't got to go back to town, have you? 

Howard. jSTo. I am back for the rest of the day. 

Abel. Good — good ! We'll have a jolly afternoon 
together. Say Dick 

Dick. (Comes c.) Yes. 

Abel. I'll tell you what you do — you go down and 
wait for me in the garden. I want to have a little 
talk with Brown. 

Dick. What about, father? 

Abel. About you, you rascal. I want to see how 
you've been behaving and if you've been in mischief 
Brown will tell me, won't you. Brown? 

Howard. Oh, I'll tell him all about it. 

Dick. I want to speak to Brown. 

Abel. (Urging Dick r.) That will do, my boy, 
don't talk back. 

Dick. But father, I am 

Abel. (Urging him R.) Run along my son, run 
along — (Dick goes aside — and exit r. 1. Going r. 
toward Howard — Howard sits on 'bench l. Turns) 
That's my boy ! (Turns) That's my boy : I'm proud 
of him ; yes, I'm proud of that boy. 

Howard. Yes ? 

Abel. Yes, siree ! Have to keep my eyes on him — 
though — (c.) Boys will be boys! 

Howard. Oh, yes. 

Abel. See here. Brown, you can tell me : he's been 
behaving pretty well lately, hasn't he? 

Howard. Well I can answer for the week he's been 
down here. 

Abel. Well ? Why he told me he was down here a 
month. 

Howard. (Rising) Oh, he did? 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 6:._ 

Abel. Yes, egad, I'll have to learn where he was 
the other three weeks. (Crosses to c.) 

Dick. (Enters R. 1 ) Father, will you come down 
to the barn and see my new pig-pen ? 

Abel. No, sir. I don't want to see your pig-pen. 

Dick. But father 

Abel. Young man, I've been getting at some facts 
about you, sir. (Urging Dick away R.) Go away, 
sir ! Go away ! ! 

Dick. You had better let me stay. 

Abel. Go away, sir! (Exit Dick r. 1) Did you 
eay a week? 

Howard. No — I meant a month. You know the 
the time passes so quickly down here, it only seemed 
a week. 

Abel. Oh ! I understand. Well, now I have 
cautioned my boy, Dick, about the women. A young 
man at school has no business flirting with the girls. 
Ever since Mother Eve persuaded her husband to 
gather other people's apples a woman has been at the 
bottom of every trouble a man gets into. 

Howard, (l. c.) You're right, 

Abel. (r. c.) Now you can tell me, you have been 
with him; have you noticed him casting sheep's eyes 
at any of the girls about here. 

Howard. Well, now to tell you the truth 

Dick. (Enters R. 1. Singing loudly crosses to 
Abel c.) Say father, let me interrupt you just for a 
moment, won't you, please? Father, I've got a pig 
down there that does tricks. (Ad lib. hns.) 

Abel. My boy, I don't want to see your pig do 
tricks. Get out of here ! 

Dick. Yes, but father 

(Abel waving him off, Dick goes r.) 

Abel. Here Browii, come with me down to the 
garden where we won't be interrupted, and then if 
there is anything I ought to know, why, you can tell 
me. 



56 BEOWN'S m TOWN. 

Howard. Trust me, Mr. Preston. This way — 
(Btis. and exit ioth l. 1 e.) 

Dick, (l.) I hope he doesn't tell him anything. 
No, he won't dare. Great Scott ! I had forgotten — 
there must be a Mrs. Brown. I never thought of 
that! 

Suzanne. (Enters n. 3 e.) Oh, Dick, Dick! 
You ought to see the kitchen. 

Dick. Never mind the kitchen. 

Suzanne. It's a wreck. 

Dick. You must be Mrs. Brown. 

Suzanne. What's that? 

Dick. I say, you must be Mrs. Brown ? 

Suzanne. I'm Mrs. Brown now, am I not? 

Dick. Yes, but I'm no longer Brown. 

Suzanne. Why ? 

Dick. (Points off l.) Do you see that old gentle- 
man walking out there? 

Suzanne. (Up looking l.) Yes. 

Dick. That's my father. 

Suzanne. I took him for the cook. 

Dick. The gentleman he is walking with is Brown. 
You're his wife. (Turns L.) 

Suzanne. Does he know he's married ? 

Dick. (Comes hack c.) I'll tell him. 

Suzanne. Would you mind giving me a few 
particulars ? Who is to be number two. 

Dick. Arthur Howard. 

Suzanne. Oh, oh ! I don't just like that. 

Dick. No. 

Suzanne. No, no. He's not bad looking but 
Dick, he isn't eligible. 

Dick. Why not? 

Suzanne. He's engaged to your wife. 

Dick. I'll break that engagement. 

Suzanne. Well, when did the ceremony take 
place ? 

Dick. Say — a year ago. 



BROWN'S m TOWN. 67 

Suzanne. Dick, do I look unhappy enough to have 
been married a year? 

Dick. (Sniffing) Whafs that? Hay burning? 
Barn on fire ? 

Suzanne. No — my dinner is burning, (8he goes 
R. 3) 

Dick. Suzanne 

Suzanne. Yes 

Dick. Remember, you are Mrs. Brown. Please be 
on hand when wanted. (Crosses L.) 

Suzanne. Dick. Are there any — little Brownies? 

(Dick drops on bench L. Exit Suzanne house r. 3.) 

Dick. (Crosses c.) Now I think I have fixed up 
everything. I have Mr. Brown, and Mrs. Brown. I 
must fix up some scheme to get dad out of the way, 
and warn Letty. Brown's a busy man, to-day. (Exit 

R.1) 

Abel. (Enters L. 1. e.) Well I declare! I don't 
know what to make of that young man. Brown ; he 
don't seem to know anything about his own home. 
He told me he had one horse — I found three. Says 
that horse-pond out there is a fine reservoir. When 
I asked him how much he paid for the place he 
couldn't tell me. (Sits on bench l. Reads) 

Letty, (Enters l. 3 E.) I wonder what ques- 
tions Dick's father has asked him. I don't dare go 
in the house for fear I will meet that cross old man. 
(She crosses and peeps around into window) 

Abel. (Looks up, sees her) Ahem! 

Letty. (Turns, sees Abej^) Oh! 

Abel. (Rises and crosses R. to her) I beg your 
pardon. Are you looking for someone ? 

Letty. (Drops down stage) T wasn't looking for 
you. 

Abel. No, I suppose not. (Letty starts R.) 
Don't run away. T suppose you know who I am. 

Letty. Yes, sir. (r.) 



58 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Abel. Then you must live here? 

Letty, (Goes up to him) Yes sir — that is — I — 

Abel. Then you must be acquainted with my son ? 

Letty. (r.) Slightly. 

Abel. Well, I'm sorry to hear it. To be frank 
with 3^ou, I don't like it. I don't like it at all. 
You see, I have made up my mind that my son shall 
not marry — at least, for the present and if he does 
he won't get one penny from me, and here I find him 
living in a romantic cottage under the same roof with 
a pretty girl. 

Letty. A pretty girl? 

Abel. Yes. You. This will play the mischief 
with all my plans. Now I have told that boy em- 
phatically that I don't want him hanging 'round the 
girls and losing his heart 

Primeose. (Enters R. 3 e.) Mis' Brown? 

Abel. Mrs. Brown? 

Primrose. (Coming c.) I asks you with tears in 
my eyes would you please ma'am give me my money. 
Wlia is yo' hiisban' ? 

Letty. (Crosses c. To Primrose) He's gone to 
town to have a check cashed. Won't you wait until 
he returns? 

Primrose. Yes'm, I'll wait a little while. 
(Crosses R. Letty l. c.) He's been a long time 
gettin' dat check cashed. (Exit R. 3 i7ito house) 

Abel. Mrs. Brown? Did she say Mrs. Bro^vn? 
What an old fool I am. I always was an old fool. 
Allow me to apologize for the mistake I made. Let 
me introduce myself. I am Dick's father. Pray sit 
down. (Sits l. on bench both) Let me say that 
Brown has the best taste in the selection of a home 
and wife that I ever saw. When my boy Dick marries 
I'm ftoing to pick out just such a home and just such 
a wife for him. Brown's a lucky fellow. I was talk- 
ing to him just now. 

Letty. Talking to whom ? 

Abel. Why, to Brown. And he said 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 59 

Letty. To Brown? 

Abel, Yes. Your husband, Brown. 

Letty. My husband ? 

Abel. Why, what's the matter, young lady? Is 
there anything so horrifying in the fact that I have 
just had a conversation with your husband? 

Letty. Oh no — no. But I didn't know he was 
here, 

Abel. Eh? Oh, of course you didn't. He was 
just going to town when I stopped him. 

Letty. (Aside) Whom does he take for Brown? 

Abel. (Aside) She's a pretty little creature. 
The more I see of her the more I like her looks. No 
wonder Brown looks happy and contented. Now if 
Dick could only — (To Letty) Say, you haven't got 
a sister, have you ? 

Letty. No. Why do you ask? 

Abel. Oh, no consequence. Not at all, not at all. 
(Aside) It won't do to think of letting him get mar- 
ried until he gets through with his school. 

Letty. (Aside) He's getting real friendly. He 
isn't half as harsh as he was at first. I might make 
him like me, and then I'll tell the truth. 

Abel. My boy Dick has been paying you quite a 
visit down liere, hasn't he? 

Letty. Yes, about two weeks 

Abel. What ! Two weeks ? Why, he told me he'd 
been down here a month. Brown said a week 

Letty. Oh, it is a month — fully a month — but 
the time passes so rapidly, you know 

Abel. Oh, yes I see. Then he hasn't been a nui- 
sance, eh? 

Letty. Well, I haven't found him any incon- 
venience. 

Abel. Good ! I'm glad to hear that. Now Brown 
wouldn't tell me, but perhaps you can. Has that boy 
been getting into mischief, that is — have you seen 
hm flirting with any girls around here. 

Letty. (Rises) I'd like to catch him at it. 



60 BROWN'S IN'TOWIS. 

Abel. What! (Rises) 

Letty. Why, I — I mean, he has nogbusiness flirt- 
ing. 

Abel. You're right! You're right! You're just 
the one to watch over him. Keep an eye on him, will 
you? 

Letty. Yes sir, I will. 

Abel. Don't let him flirt. 

Letty. Not a wink. 

Abel. Promise me. 

Letty. If I catch him at it, I'll go for him ! 

Abel. Ah! Now my mind is easy. (Takes her 
hand) Brown wouldn't take as much interest in him, 
would he ? 

Letty. Oh no — no ! 

Abel. Sit down! Sit right down. (Both sit 
down) Now that boy, Dick, of mine, is a clever boy. 

Letty. Yes sir. 

Abel. Oh, he's smart — but he's a wicked boy, 
you know. He knows how to look at a girl like this — 
(Bus. Looks at Letty) 

Letty. Does he ? 

Abel. 01 jcs. I've caught him at it. 

Letty. Have you^ 

Abel. Oh ! Lots of times. Do you know, he's a 
cajoling scamp. He can make love to a girl until he 
makes her believe that he never cared for anyone be- 
fore 

Letty. That's just the way he made love to me. 

Abel. What! Do you mean to tell me that he 
made love to you? 

Letty. Oh no — no — no. I mean, that's the way 
my husband made love to me. 

*Abel. Oh yes. Of course ! You mean Brown. 

Letty. Yes Brown. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Abel. (They both sit) Oh, Brown is a capital 
fellow! Clever fellow! I left him down in the 
garden, just now. We were sampling some of your 
cherries, luscious too! Suppose we take and try a 



BEOWN'S IN TOWN. 61 

few? That is — if you don't think Bromi would be 
jealous. Do you think he would be? 

Letty. I think not. 

Abel. How long have you been married? 

Letty. A year. 

( Abel rises. ) 

Abel. Then he won't be jealous? (Letty rises) 
Take my arm, will you ? {They startle.) So you are 
Mrs. Brown ? Well, all I've got to say is that Brown's 
a lucky dog. {They exit l. 1 e.) 

Howard. {Enters with Dick r. u. e. Howard 
crosses l. and sits on bench. Dick c.) Oh, he asked 
me all sorts of questions about you. 

Dick, What did you tell him ? 

Howard. Everything. 

Dick. What's that? 

Howard. I mean — nothing. Once I came near 
betraying your secret. 

Dick. But you didn't? 

Howard. No. 

Dick. Now listen, 

Howard. Well you don't give me a chance to do 
anything else. 

Dick. As you are to play Brown, I have fixed up 
a wife for you 

Howard. Oh, you have ? How long have we been 
married ? 

Dick. A year or two. 

Howard. Better make it three, you know there's 
luck in odd numbers. 

Dick. Well, three then; now, you must tell your 
wife 

Howard. By the way, who is my wife ? 

DiCk. You'll meet her presently, and when you do 
I want you to be affectionate. 

Howard. What ? 

Dick. Call her — dear, and darling. 

Howard. Draw it mild — > — 



62 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Dick. Put your arm round her. 

HowAKD. She may object. 

Dick. She won't. 

Howard. But I do. 

Dick. Wliy? 

Howard. Because it will spoil my matrimonial 
prospects. 

Dick. How so? 

Howard. Letty is liable to drop in at any moment 
and should she discover me in one of those touching 
tableauxs — well, my scalp would dangle at her belt 
in less than sixty seconds. 

Dick. Well, I'm sorry for you, old man, but if the 
old gentleman doesn't grasp the idea, you must kiss 
her. 

Howard. Well I'll be hanged if I do. (Crosses l. 
Rises) 

Dick. You'll be hanged if you don't ! You work 
this thing smoothly and no one will be the wiser. 

Howard. But how will they get your father away. 

Dick. Papa has met Mr. Brown — papa shall meet 
your wife. You are delighted to see him, and she's 
delighted to see him — you'd both like to have him 
come and live here, but you've no place for him to 
sleep — and he'll go home. 

Howard. That's a good idea. 

Dick. (They shake hands) Poor old chap! 

Howard. And if we work it smoothly 

Dick. He'll never suspect. 

Howard. I hope he doesn't. 

Dick. He'd better not 

Abel. (Without^ l. 4) Come on, Mrs. Brown. 

Dick. (Goes up c. tool's off) Great scott! Here 
•he comes now. 

Howard. And Letty is with him. 

Dick. How did they meet and what has she told 
him? 

(Dick crosses l. Howard crosses R.) 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 63 

Abel. (Abel and Letty enter l. 4. Down stage) 
Yes, yes, exactly as I was saying to Brown — (Sees 
Howard) Why, here's Brown now. 

Letty. Brown. 

Abel. Yes. (To Howard) Your wife and I 
have been looking all over the place for you, 

Howard. My wife? 

Dick. Why his wife's in the house ? 

Abel. No. There she is. What's the matter with 
you, are you blind ? Brown don't know his wife — she 
doesn't know him, and you, why you don't know any- 
thing. 

Dick. I know too much ! 

Abel. (To Howard) You are Brown, aren't 
you? 

Howard. Why certainly I'm Brown, but 

Abel. Yes, and — (To Letty) You are Mrs. 
Brown. You introduced yourself, didn't you? 

Letty. Yes, yes. 

Dick. But, I didn't know he had this one. 

Abel. WTiat ! 

Dick. I thought you meant the other Mrs. Brown. 

Abel. The other Mrs. Brown? Is there another 
Mrs. Brown? 

Dick. There's a whole flock of 'em. (Abel and 
Letty start up stage — Dick crosses R. To Howard) 
This will never do. 

Howard. Why didn't you tell me it was Letty. 

Dick. Do you suppose I knew it ? 

Letty. But Mr. Preston, don't you understand? 

Abel. No, madam. I don't understand. (They 
start down) 

Howard. Oh, very well, I'll carry it out. 

Dick. But this is the wrong girl. 
(Abel and Letty sit on bench l. She pantomimes to 

him.) 

Abel. Here, Brown 

Dick. Yes. 

Abel. I don't mean you, 1 mean Brown. 



641 BEOWN'S IN" TOWN. 

HowAED. Yes. 

Abel. Come over here and sit down with your 
wife and me. (Dick and Howard cross. Dick sits 
hy Letty) Dick, get up from there ! 

Howard. Yes, yes — get up from there. (Howard 
throws Dick to c. and sits hy Letty) 

Abel. There's plenty of room if we only squeeze 
up close. (Letty edges to c. of bench) Why, what's 
the matter, crowded? Put your arm around her — 
put your arm around her. (Howard does so) I love 
to see young people^ffectionate. 

Dick. Stop that, Howard. (Pulls Howard's arm 
away) 

Howard. Wait, I'll kiss her directly. 

Dick. No — no — no. Don't kiss her. 

Howard. Yes, yes. You said I was to kiss her. 
We're to he married anyhow, you know. Take your 
father for a stroll. This Brown business just suits 
me. 

Dick. (Aside) And I told him to do it. (Crosses 
c. Crosses L. Takes Howard from, bench and 
pantomimes) 

Abel. (To Letty in low tone) How long did 
you say you have been married? 

Letty. A year. 

(Dick and Howard do not hear last tivo speeches.) 

Abel. Oh a year? Brown! (Abel coughs, 
Howard looks at him. Abel makes pantomime mo- 
tions to Howard as if holding a baby. Holds hands 
about 18 inches from floor as if indicating a child's 
'height, then holds up one finger. Letty sees none of 
this bu^. Dick sees only last motion) 

Howard. (Rises and crosses c. To Dick) What 
the devil does he mean ? 

Dick. (Holding up one finger) He wants to 
know how long you have been married. 



BROWN'S m TOWN. 65 

(Howard returns to hench, holds up three fingers.) 

Abel. {Rises quickly in great amazement) What ! 
married only a year and three children. (All 
startled) Oh I see — ^triplets. 

Howard. No. 

Abel. Not triplets ? 

Letty. We have no children. 

Abel. No. 

Howard. No. No little faces have brightened our 
home. 

Abel. What's that? 

Howard. I misunderstood you. 

Dick. (Brings Howard c. Aside, Letty and 
Abel sit on hench) Put an end to this, will you? 

Howard. (Goes bach to bench l.) We're so glad 
you were able to run down here, Mr. Preston. 

(Dick crosses r. and sits on bench.) 

Abel. Don't mention it. I am always glad to 
make people happy. Now there's my boy Dick. I'll 
wager he hasn't been so happy for a year. Have you ? 

Dick. No. 

Howard. Your visit has spread a general glow of 
happiness all over the place. My only regret is that 
I cannot ask you to prolong your stay. 

Abel. Eh ? 

(Dick crosses l.) 

Howard. You see, the fact is, there are too many 
mosquitoes, and not enough vegetables, and, the cook 
is on a strike and we haven't a place for you to sleep. 

Dick. (Aside to Howard) Good! Keep it up! 
(Crosses back to c.) 

Howard. And of course, to an old man like you, 
these things count for a good deal, and we wouldn't 
deprive you of them for worlds. 



66 BPvOWN^S IN TOWN. 

Abel. Oh, nonsense ! I only came down here to 
Bee Dick, I think I'll go right back home this evening. 

Dick. (Walks R.) He's going home this evening. 

Abel. (Crosses b.) Yes, I'm going home this 
evening. Dick, you shall go with me. 

Dick. What! 

Abel. Yes, pack up your grip and we'll start in 
about an hour. (Letty l.) I'll spend a week with 
you at your quarters, then you can come back and 
finish your visit with Mr. and Mrs. Brown. 

Howard, (l. c.) Yes, Dick — in a week you can 
come back. 

Dick. (Crossing l. c. To Howard, aside) 
Silence ! You fool ! Persuade him to stay. 

Howard. Persuade him to stay. You said per- 
suade him to go. 

Dick. I have changed my mind. If he goes he 
will take me with him — ^lie must stay. 

(Abel comes c. to Dick.) 

Howard. (To Letty) I say darling 

Dick. What's that? 

Howard. I was only speaking to my wife. 

Dick. Well don't call your wife darling. 

(Dick starts to go to Howard, Abel turns him hack.) 

Letty. Can't we persuade Mr. Preston to remain 
a while ? 

Abel. Not for the world. I am fond of the city. 
We'll have a jolly time there, won't we, boy? 

Dick. OL, yes. (Crosses to Howard l. Letty 
c^'osses to Abel r. c.) 

Letty. Oh, Mr. Preston can't we persuade you to 
remain ? 

Abel. (Crosses to Howard l. c.) You've no place 
for me to sleep. (All heg him ad lib, to stay) Well, 
I'll stay. (All pleased) 

Howard. We'll find a place for you to sleep. 



BROWN'S m TOWN. 67 

Letty. (To Howard) Give him your room. 

Dick, Yes, give him your room. 

Abel. Nonsense, nonsense — if Vve got to stay, 
why, if Dick has a double bed I'll sleep with him. 

Hov^ARD. (Talces Abel hy hand. Letty crosses 
K.) Good Mr. Preston. Make your stay as long as 
•possible. 

Abel. All right. I'll make it a couple of days. 

Howard. Oh, come, come ! Make it a week. 

Abel. All right. I'll stay a week. (Goes up 
stage) 

Letty. (To Howard) Don't you know there is 
such a thing as overdoing it. 

Dick. (Crosses R.) \^liy don't you ask him to 
come and live here ? 

Howard. Well, I was only following your instruc- 
tions. 

Abel. (Comes doiun l. c.) Dick you will have to 
send down to the village for my trunk, I left it there. 

Dick. All right, I'll send for a wheelbarrow and 
have Brown wheel it down — it's only two miles. 

Abel. (Laughs) That's a good joke on Brown. 
Say Dick, let's you and I go for a stroll. 

Dick. The sun is too hot. (Crosses l.) 

Abel. Nonsense — the weather is delightful! 

Dick. Don't you think it would be impolite to 
leave them alone? 

Abel. You young jackass, can't you see they're 
dying to be left alone ? 

Dick. Oh, are they? (^Crosses r. angrily. Abel 
stops him) 

Abel. \Aniat the devil's the matter with you? 
Come on ! 

Dick. Yes, but father 

(Abel lakes Dick c.) 

Abel. Wait till you're married and you'll know 
how it is yourself. 



68 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Dick. But, father- 



Abel. Stop your nonsense. Come along. {Exit 
Abel, very angry l. u. e., dragging Dick of with 
him) 

Letty. (Crosses c.) Oh! This is awful. 

Howard. (Follows her) Oh, I don't know. I 
think it is good fun. 

Letty. (Turns to him) Oh, you cruel thing, how 
could you ? 

Howard. Oh, Letty — I 

Letty. Don't speak to me. Your wife indeed ! 

Howard. Yes, but you said you were Mrs. Brown. 

Letty. (Cross R.) Yes, but I didn't know that 
you were my husband. 

Howard. Neither did I. 

Letty. Well this never would have happened if 
you had stayed away. 

Howard. Then you would have been in a nice fix 
for a Mr. Brown, wouldn't you? 

Letty. (Crying) Oh, dear! 

Howard. (Touching her arm) There, there 
Letty, don't cry. 

Letty. How dare you — I will cry. (Cries) 

Howard. Very well — be miserable if it makes 
you happy. 

Letty. Oh, and he's going to stay a week! I 
shall die, I know I shall. 

Howard. There, there, Letty. 

Letty. (Very angrily) Let me alone! (Howard 
crosses l. quichly) It's all your fault. I never want to 
see your u^ly face a^ain. (Exit R. 2 into cottage) 

Howard. Now there's gratitude for you. After all 
I've done for that girl she turns me down. Ah well, 
th'ere are just as good fish in the sea — By jove ! I 
know what I'll do. I'll light out and let them explain 
my absence as best they can. (Looks off l. u. sees 
Freda) Freda, here again! (Exit r. 1 hastily) 

Abel. (Enters 'l. 2 e.) Dick! Dick! Where are 
you? Why that rascally boy has given me the slig 



BROWN\S IN TOWN. 69 

again. Now what in the world does he mean ? He's 
up to some mischief I'm satisfied of that. If he is 
I'll make it lively for him. 

Fkeda. (Enters l. u. e. Crosses down R. then 
crosses L.) I am looking for a viper. 

Abel. Well, I haven't one concealed about me. 

Freda. You couldn't help me find him ? 

Abel. I am not a snake charmer. 

Freda. I mean a vipers mit two leggses. ( Goes H. 
House) 

Abel. Oh, I see, a museum curiosity. 

Freda. I have loosed him and now my heart is 
broken — I am broke ! 

Abel. No doubt a two legged snake is quite 
valuable. 

Freda. You make mit me a misunderstood — he vas 
my schatz. 

Abel. Who shot him ? 

Freda. Sooch a pretty young mans! 

Abel. Young man? 

Freda. Undt he is shtopping here. 

Abel. Young man ? Stopping here ? 

Freda. Ya, ya, mid Mr. Brown. 

Abel. With Brown ? She must mean Dick ; come 
here my good girl. Tell me — (Seize her by her wrist, 
both c.) 

Freda. (Pulling mvay) Shtop! You are choking 
me ! You gfersta me nicht. I mean my sweethearts. 

Abel. Your sweetheart? 

Freda. Say may I tell you my droubles ? 

Abel. You may. You may. 

Freda. I met him by de city, six monds ago — my 
fadder vas taking me drough de schools — ^he vas going 
to de colleges. 

Abel. She means my boy, Dick, you mean — you 
mean? 

Freda. Ya, dot's it, I mean to marry him. 

Abel. You do, you do ? 

Freda. I do — do, my vedding truzzle is all ready. 



70 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Ach the fearst time I soen him. T loafed him at 
second sight. 

Abel. What? 

Freda. Yes, sir. If you haf any influence by him 
gotten, make him sadness for his treatment over me, 
vill you? 

Abel. Will I? Yes, I will. (Crosses c) Wait 
for me out here — I'll find him and bring him here, 
and when I do, I promise you he shall be sorry. He 
shall be sorry. 

Freda. Oh, sir! You are so goot and I am so 
thankless. Let me embracing you for your kind- 
ness. (Embraces Abel) 

Abel. Stop ! No familiarity, young woman. Go 
away. 

Freda. (Crosses r.) Oh, sir! Let me thank you 
for your kindness and your goodness of your heart. 
Ach du lieber! I couldt loaf you. (Exit R. 1 e.) 

Abel. My boy Dick has been acting the part of a 
scoundrel. I'll find him at once and make him ex- 
plain. Dick! Dick! (Exit ^. 2. Letty en/ers R, 3. 
Dick enters l. 4. They meet and embrace) 

Letty. Oh, Dick, what are we to do? 

Abel. (At window in house) Ah, you scoundrel ! 
At it again ! 

Dick. What shall I say to him ? 

Letty. Don't say anything? 

Dick. I must say something. 

Letty. (c.) Don't speak to me. 

(Dick crosses l.) 

.Abel. (Enters b. 2) You infernal villain ! How 
dare you make love to your friend's wife ? 

Dick. I didn't. 

Abel, (c.) I saw you! And you madam — 
aren't you ashamed to look me in the face ? 

Letty. (l. c.) Oh! 

Abel. You, sir ! making love to a married woman. 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 71 

with the victim of your perfidy waitinp^ for you there. 

Dick. (Crosses c. to Abel) My victim? 

Abel. The woman you promised to marry, 

Dick. I promised? 

Abel. Yes, you. 

Letty. Oh, Dick, what have you done? 

Dick. I'm damned if I know. 

Abel. Here woman — (Crosses to house) Come 
here, quick ! (Enter Freda r. 1 dragging Howard, 
Abel points to Dick) Is this your man? 

Freda. Nein. Here he is. 

Abel. WTiat! Brown! 

Suzanne. (Enters r. 2. Looking and pointing at 
Howard) Brown, what are you doing with my 
husband ? 

Abel. What ! Your husband ? 

Suzanne. Yes. (To Dick) Isn't he? 

Abel. Three of 'em! Well, I'll be damned. 

(Suzanne and Freda tugging at Howard r. Abel 
throws Letty to c. Letty amazed. Abel holds 
Dick l. Pantomime bus.) 

QUICK CURTAIN. 



12 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 



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BROWN'S IN TOWN, ,73 



ACT III. 

Scene: — Any pretty interior will do. Stairway at 
hack, leading down to landing at hack center. 
Large French window at R. c. leading out to 
porch luith balustrade. Doors R. 3 E., l. 2 E. 
and L. 3 e. Table with a chair on either side 
down R. c. Sofa down L. c. Discovered at rise 
— singing outside — Letty discovered standing 
at window R. c. looking R. 

Letty. (Crosses c.) How pretty. (Calls) 
Suzanne ! Suzanne ! 

Suzanne. (Without l. u. or 3) Yes? 

Letty. Did Pollock bring your gown? 

Suzanne. (Enters f. d. l. down stairs crossing 
L.) Yes, dear, Fve got it on. 

Letty. (Crossing r. doivn r.) And remarkably 
well it becomes you. 

Suzanne. No compliments. 

Letty. Very well, I'll leave them for your hus- 
band. 

Suzanne. Which one ? I'm married to everybody 
about the place. If you have any stray bachelors 
around bring them on. I don't want to slight any- 
l)ody. What was that music ? 

Letty. Some of the college boys on the way home. 
Wasn't it pretty? 

Suzanne. Lovely. Caught me right here. I 
hope your papa-in-law heard it. They say music 
hath charm to soothe the savage beast. Where is he? 

Letty. Upstairs, stamping about in a fury. 

Suzanne. Has he found out anything? 

Letty. I'm afraid he has found out everything. 
It's all the fault of that impertinent Arthur Howard. 

Suzanne. Impertinent? 



74 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Letty. Yes — the stupid fellow. 

Suzanne. I don't think he's stupid. 

Letty. Well, I do. I wish he'd never come here. 

Suzanne. I think he's very kind to help you out. 

Letty. He's been a great nuisance, making love 
to me. 

Suzanne. He had to do it. 

Letty. That doesn't make it pleasant. 

Suzanne. For that matter, Dick made love to 
me. 

Letty. Oh, well, there's a difference between 
Dick and Arthur Howard. 

Suzanne. I think it's greatly in Arthur's favor. 

Letty. (Rises, crosses c.) Arthur? 

Suzanne. Yes, Arthur. I think he's very good 
looking. 

Letty. What ! 

Suzanne. I like bright people. A dull man is 
\cry disgusting. (Goes up to staircase) You are 
very unjust to Mr. Howard, and very ungrateful. 
I've a good notion to tell him so. Now. (Exit 
Suzanne up staircase and l.) 

Letty. Well, upon my word. I believe she is in 
love with him herself. I'll tell Dick. (Exit E. 2 E.) 

(Enter Dick o-nd Howard through window r. c. 
They go to tahle down R. Hoavard chair R. of 
tahle. Dick chair L. of table.) 

Howard. (Dejectedly) Dick, don't 3^ou think 
marriage is a failure? 

Dick. Well, there's such a thing as having too 
mucli of a good thing. (Noise outside of furniture 
being turned) He's at it again. 

Howard. If he keeps it up you'll have to buy a 
new set of furniture. 

Dick. What witli? Promises? I'm too deeply 
in debt now to get out for a year. There's Pollock, 



BROWN'S m TOWN. 7$ 

Jones the storekeeper, even my landlord. They're 
all after me. 

Abel. (Without l.) What's that you say? All 
right. 

Dick. (Crosses c.) Listen! 

x\bel. (Without L.) Downstairs? Very well, 
I'll find the rascal. 

Dick. He's coming down. 

Howard. Then I'm off. (Crosses R. 2) 

Dick. So am I. (Crosses l. Exit both R. 3 and 
L. 2) 

Abel. (Without L. calling) Dick! Brown! 
Mrs. Brown! (Enters doionstairs L. Crosses c.) 
Where the devil are they all? I can't find a soul 
about the place to answer a question — excepting the 
cook, and she only repeats she wants her wages. If 
I don't get at the bottom of this I'll lose my temper. 
Dick ! Dick ! Where's that boy gone to ? (Exit R. u. 
Boys simultaneously stick heads in at door r. and L. 
Bus. looking about) 

Howard. Has he gone? 

Dick. I think so. (Enter L. and crosses c. 
Howard enters r.) 

Abel. (Without) Well, may I be everlastingly 
be-num-mumble-blind-etc. 

(Dick crosses l. and Howard crosses up r. and looks 

off.) 

Howard. He's swearing now. (^Coming down 
R. c.) Sounds like a foreign language, doesn't it? 

Dick. I hope he won't translate it. Poor little 
girl. I'm afraid to face her. 

Howard. I don't see any way out of it, do you? 

Dick. One. Brown must pull me through. 

Howard. Brown ? 

Dick. Yes, Brown. Dick Preston is unknown 
here. He is single; he is not in debt. Brown owes 
everybody in the vicinity. 



76 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Howard. And has committed bigamy. 

Dick. And is in a fair way to be sued for breach 
of promise. 

Howard. Yes. 

Dick. Well, I'm going to lay it all on to Brown. 
You do the same. We'll blacken Brown till he'll be a 
candidate for the penitentiary. 

Howard. No. I'm Brown. 

Dick. So am I. 

Howard. Then what will become of me? 

Dick. This mythical Brown will disappear. 

Howard. I see. 

Dick. Vanish utterly from the face of the earth. 
Dick Preston will resume his studies in the city and 
Arthur Howard will show up as usual in his office, 
and no one the wiser. 

Howard. That's a good idea. 

Abel. {Off r.) Well, if this don't tetotally beat 
anything I ever heard of. Where in thunder can he 
be? 

Dick. There he is again. 

Howard. He is going out. 

Dick. No. He is coming in. I'm going out. 
(Both go L. Exit Dick door l. 2 slamming door. 
Noise) 

(Enter Abel r. u. He sees Howard at door trying 

to get out.) 

Abel, (r. c.) Oh, oh, here you are eh? 

Howard. (Comes l. c.) Yes, I'm here. 

Abel. Where's that scapegrace son of mine? 

Howard. I don't know. (Crosses R.) 

Abel. Very meek, aren't you? Quite lamb-like. 
You young reprobate ! No one, to look at you could 
imagine the depths of infamy you have reached. 
Dick is a scoundrel — and you — ^you are as bad as he. 

Howard. Worse. 

Abel. Worse — I don't doubt it. If ii's possible, 



BROWN'S IK TOWN. ^7 

you're worse. (Bus, kicks footstool, throws vase 
through ivindow ) 

HoWx\ED. There goes the conservatory. 

Abel. Now then — I'm calm — I'm quite calm. 
Now we'll have some explanations. 

HowAED. Now I'm going to have a nice time, 
(Sits chair L. of table R.) 

Abel. Well, well. Why do you sit there, staring 
at me? Do you want me to lose my temper again, 
when you see I'm calm. Why don't you explain ? 

Howard. Certainly — certainly. It's all very 
simple, so I'll just go out and get Dick, (Howard 
sta?is out) and let him explain. 

Abel. (Brings him hack) No, you won't. An 
explanation right here will be just as appropriate and 
more satisfactory. 

Howard. Yes, of course. Well, you see, the fact 
is, I would be delighted to satisfy you but I don't 
know just what you want explained. 

Abel. Well, we will begin, Brown, with the fact 
that you have two wives. Can you explain that? 

Howard. No. 

Abel. No? 

Howard. I can't explain it. I've got 'em — can't 
help myself. Does seem a little peculiar, doesn't it? 

Abel. Slightly. Do you know what the law calls 
this playful eccentricity — Bigamy. It isn't customary 
to have two wives except in IJtah. (Walks c.) 

Howard. (Follows him c. catches the idea and 
sighs relieved) Utah? Yes. You see, I married 
them there. 

Abel. (Startled) Eh? Married them both at 
the same time? 

Howard. Fact, I assure you. My father was a 
Mormon — so were all his wives. All my mothers 
were Mormons. It runs in the family. Quite 
natural, wasn't it? that when I grew up I should 
marry a couple of pretty girls? 



78 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Abel. {€omes c. to Howard) Do you mean to 
tell me you married them both? 

Howard. Yes. We had a fine wedding — music, 
flowers, cakes, breakfast, and then my little brides 
nnd I went on our honeymoon. 

Abel. Great Scott! And you are the man, my 
boy, Dick has picked out for a friend? First thing 
I know, Dick will turn Mormon and marry a whole 
female seminary. (Letty enters R. 2 B., sees Abel, 
shrinks hack. Continuing) Come here Mrs. Brown 
No. ] . By George, if all the little Mormons look like 
you I don't blame this young rascal. 

Letty. Mormons ? 

Howard. Yes, my dear. I was just telling Mr. 
Preston how we were all married at Salt Lake City. 

Letty, (Going l. to Howard) Were you? 
That's nice. {Aside to him) Tell me. 

Abel. (To Howard) Well, you've explained 
your side of the case. (To Letty) Can you explain 
yours? I caught you, Mrs. Brown number one, in 
the arms of a young man — my son. 

Letty. (Going c. to Abel) Well, I'll tell you 
the truth, Mr. Preston 

Howard. (Drops into chair R. of table r.) If she 
does, we're gone. 

Letty. You see, I am of a very affectionate dis- 
position — (Abel starts away) and think the world 
and all of my husband 

Abel. Ah, that's better. 

Letty. But he is so fickle; he has no time to 
devote to me. 

Abel. I suppose he spends all of his time with 
the other one? 

Letty. Yes. sir, with the other one; with all of 
them. 

Abel. All of them? How many are there? 

Letty. Oh, six or seven, T suppose. 

(Howard hides head under table cover.) 



BKOWN'S IN TOWN. 79 

Abel. ({Jomes R. c. to Letty) Six or seven 
wives ? 

Letty. (Shrinking back) No — not wives. 

Abel. Not wives? Infamous! (Letty tries to 
approach him) Don't come near me. Silence. I 
have heard enough. Dick ! Dick ! Pack up your 
grip — six or seven — and not wives. (Goes up, Letty 
follows him — Exit Abel stairioay and L. u.) 

Howard. (Rises and crosses to Letty) Had to 
celebrate it, didn't you? 

Letty. (Turns and comes down) I didn't 
mean 



Harold. (Follows her doivn) Oh, no — you didn't 
mean 

Letty. (Goes to Howard) What did you tell 
him? 

Howard. (Crosses R.) I told him enough to get 
me a sentence for bigamy. I'm going to get out of 
this. You must come with me. I won't leave you 
here mixed up in this affair. Come on. 

Letty. Go with you? Never. I'll find Dick's 
father and tell him all. (Exit upstairs l. u. e.) 

Howard. (Crosses c.) She's gone. He's gone — 
they're all gone — well I'm gone. (Goes to door r. it. 
E. Meets Freda entering) Oh, here you are. 

Freda. (Goes to l.) Yes, I'm here. I've been 
making a vaiting for you. Explanation yourself. 

Howard, (r.) Now she's at it. Explanation! 
I've been making them all day. And you can have 
a good one for practice makes perfect. 

Freda. You haf deceptioned me. (Howard goes 
l., she follows) You are not my affidity. (He goes 
behind couch l.) Shall you not be ashamed by 
yourself mit two viveses alreatty? (Howard crosses 
c, she comes to end of couch) Don'd you dink it's 
against the law to commit arson ? 

Howard. Those ladies are not my wives. 

Freda. What ! 

Howard. No. 



80 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Freda. But you said dey were. Explanation your- 
self. {She comes c. to him) 

Howard. I haven't time, but I'm not a married 
man. 

Freda. Den vat are dose vimmens mit you to do ? 

Howard. Well, I only pretended to be their hus- 
band. 

Freda. De shameless vimmens. You viper. 
(Howard goes to table r.) You only pretend to be 
deyre husbandt? (Chases him around table R. Both 
go up c.) 

Abel. (Enters downstairs l. u. Catches Freda, 
all three come down c.) Hello — what's this? 

Freda. He shall veddink me or I shall sue him for 
breeches of promise. 

Abel. No, you won't. This isn't Utah. Come 
with me. (Taking Freda up l. c.) I'll see you to 
the gate. 

(Howard crosses l.) 

Freda. I vill not go. 

Abel. Yes, you will. I'll put a stop to this whole- 
sale matrimonial business. (Takes Freda by arm, 
leads her up to d. f. l. Bus. she protesting) There, 
madam, you have ten minutes. Just time to catch 
the train for town. (Exit both l. c. r.) 

(Enter Suzanne down stairway l. u. with hat and 
wrap. Goes R. 2.) 

Howard. (Crosses l.) I am in luck. She's gone. 
(Turns, sees Suzanne, crosses to c.) What, Mrs. 
Brown, going out? 

Suzanne. (At door r. 2) I'm going home. 

Howard. Home. When are you coming back ? 

Suzanne. Never. 

Howard. Has it come to this? (Goes to her) 
Oh, Mrs. Brown, don't be rash. You are taking a 



BROWN'S m TOWN. SI 

momentous step, it's a terrible thing for a young 

woman to leave her husband 

Suzanne. (Crosses in front of table) He's not 
my husband any longer. I'm done with all this 

folly. 

Howard. Don't say that. 

Suzanne. Now don't try to alter my determina- 
tion. 

Howard. Now, don't go away and leave poor Dick 
in the lurch. What would his father say? 

Suzanne. {Crosses l.) I'm sick of his father. 

Howard. So am I. But Dick's a good chap. 
Perhaps this can be patched up. Won't you stay for 
his sake ? 

Suzanne. No. 

Howard. (Crosses c.) Then I ask you as a favor 
to me to wait until there is some sort of an explana- 
tion. 

Suzanne. Well, I — I 

Howard. Just a little while. 

Suzanne. If you only knew- 



HowARD. I don't want to know, it's none of my 
business. 

Suzanne. But, if I told you why 

Howard. (Following her) Have I anything to 
to do with it? 

Suzanne. Yes. 

Howard. He's not jealous^? 

Suzanne. (Sits on bench l.) Of you? Silly, 
isn't he? 

Howard. (Leans over her) No. 

Suzanne. No ? 

Howard. No; he's right. For the first time in 
my life I envy someone else. Dick's a lucky fellow. 
(Bus. of close to her) 

Dick. (Enters downstairs from l. 2) Hello. 
What are you two up to? 

Howard. (Crosses to door l. 3 e.) Oh, I'm just 



82 BROWN"'S 11^ TOWl^. 

getting- aequaiiited with my second wife. (EjAt 
Howaiid) 

Suzanne. (Lo.oJcs after Howard, then crosses c. (o 
Dick) Dick, can't you get another Mrs. Brown? 

Dick. Great Scott. I've got one too many now. 
{She crosses R.) Where are you going? 

Suzanne. I'm tired of this. I can't stand it. I 
won't be mixed up in it any longer. 

Dick. Suzanne, you mustn't desert me. 

Suzanne. Oh, it's too much for my nerves. 

'Dick. Think of me. (She shakes head) Think 
of Letty — (Same hits.) Think of the dinner. 

Suzanne. (Comes to him) Oh, I forgot — the 
dinner. 

Dick. That dinner — when Dad dines heartily he 
goes to sleep. He always awakens in a good humor. 
How was it getting on, Suzanne? 

Suzanne. Splendidly. The steak has been boiling 
for two hours and the new crop of biscuit is lovely. 
I couldn't find any baking powder so I used corn 
starch 

Dick. What for? 

Suzanne. Oh, Dick, we must have soup. Find 
your gardener and send him to the village. Tell him 
to get a mock turtle for the soup. Hurry. (Exit Dick 
L. 2 E. Suzanne crosses hack to c.) I'll stay. 1*11 
stay. I believe he likes me better than Letty. I 
wonder if he does. I won't tell Letty. I'll get even 
with her for saying mean things about him. (Crosses 

L.) 

Worth. (Enters r.) Miss Dacre 

Suzanne. Sh — someone might hear you. 

Worth. My trap is here. Are you ready to go ? 

Suzanne. No ; I'm going to stay here. 

Worth. This is peculiar — explain. 

Suzanne. No, I won't. I don't know what you 
want explained, and I couldn't explain if I did. 
(Cross R.) I'm going to get my dinner. 

Worth. Oh, very well, Mrs. Brown. 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 83 

Suzanne. Mrs. Brown? 

Worth. You see, I know your secret. 

Suzanne. Who told you I am Mrs. Brown? 

Worth. A man. He left an impression here. 
(Shows bruised eye) I struck him in the fist with 
my eye. 

Suzanne. It's a mistake — I'm not Mrs. Brown. 

Worth. You're not? 

Suzanne. Certainly not. 

Worth. Then there is still hope for me ? {Kneels 
c. stiffly) Miss Dacre — (Enter Abel) I want to 
tell you that I love you 

Abel. Caesar's ghost. (Worth rises, hus. fright- 
ened on seeing Abel. Bus. goes behind table r.) 
Every time I enter this room there's something of this 
sort going on^ Young man, the fact that Brown has 
two wives and you have none, doesn't warrant you in 
taking one of them. If Brown don't put a stop to this 
he won't have a wife left. 

(Worth moves R. and looks R.) 

Suzanne. What on earth are you talking about? 

Abel. Concealment is useless. (Abel crosses R. 
Worth crosses l. frightened) Brown told me all 
about the double wedding in Salt Lake City, the cake, 
the flowers, and the honeymoon. Aren't j^ou ashamed 
of yourself Madam, marrying a Mormon, with another 
wife and half a dozen — by the way, what is your 
number ? 

Suzanne. Number ? 

Abel. The marriage tie must be respected even if 
it is tied in four or five knots — (To Worth) Now 
you light out. 

Worth. Sir! Don't touch me — I'm a desperate 
man. 

Suzanne. Don't hurt him. (Confused scene. 
Bus. Exit all l. 3 E.) 



84 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

(Enter Letty downstairs l. u. Enter Dick l. 2. 
They come to c.) 

Letty. Dick, dear, what are we going to do? 
(Cries) 

Dick. I don't know. (They separate) Either they 
must all go, or we will. 

Letty. Oh, can we go, Dick, can we? Let's run 
away. I'll go to papa and tell him the truth. 

Dick. Tell him you've married a chap who hasn't 
a thing in the world but a wife and then if he won't 
forgive us I'll go to work. 

Letty. I'll help you all I can, Dick. It's my fault 
this came about. 

Dick. Your fault? .Nonsense. 

Letty. It is too. If you hadn't gotten married, 
your father wouldn't have been angry and if you 
hadn't seen me you wouldn't have gotten married. 
Oh, I'm to blame. 

Dick. Not at all. 

Letty. Oh, I am. 

Dick. You're not. 

Letty. I am too. 

Dick, (Crosses R.) I say you are not. You are 
absolutely innocent of the whole thing and if I had 
been half a man you would not be in this embarrassing 
position. 

Letty. Dick Preston! I'll not permit you to 
speak so harshly of my husband. 

Dick. I'll say what I like about your husband. 
(Turns and crosses c.) 

Letty. Oh, Dick. 

Dick. ('Crosses up c.) I'll go out in the garden 
and call myself names. 

Letty. Dick, don't go away angry. 

Howard. (Enters l. 2 e. astonished) Letty! 

Dick and Letty. (Picture, tableau, separate) 
Oh! 

Howard. What do you mean, sir? 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 85 

Dick. T think the circumstances speak for them- 
selves. 

Howard. Yes, I think they do. {To Lbtty) 
Don't you know he's a married man? 

Letty. Yes, I married him. 

Howard. What! (To Dick) How many wives 
have you ? 

Dick. One. That's the legal limit. 

Letty. Isn't one enough? 

Howard. Yes, he'll find it enough. I've got two 
now and the number is rapidly increasing. May I 
ask who is — (Crosses (?.) 

Dick. The other one? Miss Suzanne Dacre, aa 
accommodating person 

Letty. Who consented to marry you both. 

Dick. On the instalment plan. 

Letty. For a brief period 

Dick. To help us conceal the truth. And now, 
as you've discovered our little secret, (Crosses) 
perhaps it would be best to bring your visit to a close. 

Howard. And if I refuse? 

Dick. Then I'll bring it to a close. 

Howard. (Bus. crossing in betiveen Dick and 
Letty) No, no. Let me congratulate both of you. 

Dick. I thought you were determined to marry 
Letty? 

Howard. I've changed my mind. 

Letty. Thank you. 

Howard. You have my best wishes, 

Letty. And you won't tell ? 

How^ard. I'll be as silent as a Sphinx. 

(Dick and Letty juhilant — Letty e. Dick l. c. 
Howard c.) 

Suzanne. (Enters r. 2 e. with newspaper) Oh, 

Dick — Dick 

Dick. It's all right, he knows all about it. 
Letty. He doesn't mind, isn't it nice ? 



86 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Howard. I know all — I don't care, 

(All three surround her simultaneously.) 

Suzanne. No, no, no ! This is terrible. 
All Three. What is it? 

(Dick crosses to Suzanne.) 

Suzanne. Read, read. (Gives Dick paper) 
Dick. Grand bargain sale — (e. reads aloud, 
Letty snatches paper) 

Letty. (Reads) A new anaesthetic discovered — 

(Howard snatches paper, Letty and Dick each seize 
the paper. It comes into three pieces. Bus. each 
tries to read — Suzanne goes doivn the line and 
tahes paper from Howard. Howard crosses l. 
and talces paper from Suzanne — she retains part 
of it. Howard crosses l. Dick crosses R. 
Letty up c. Suzanne crosses l.) 

Suzanne. Read that. (Paper to Letty. Dick 
R., Letty r. c. Suzanne l c, Howard l. All in 
line) 

Letty. (Reads) ^' The defendant swore that he 
had never married the plaintiff. Thereupon Mrs. 
Chanler testified that in her presence and before 
divers other persons the defendant had claimed said 
Margaret Payton as his wife, thus establishing a 
common law marriage.'^ 

Suzanne. (Crosses J{.) That's what we've done — 
everyone of us — it's legal. We've all committed 
biganiy. 

Letty. Oh ! 

Suzanne. (To Dick) I'm your wife — I .said so. 

Letty. No. 

Suzanne. Yes. (Pointing to Howard) He's 
your husband, he said so. 



BROWN^S IN TOWN. ST 

Dick. I guess not. 
Suzanne. He's mine too. 

(Howard exhibits joy, etc. Bits, etc.) 

Dick, (c.) Oh, this is the .most thoroughly 
married crowd I ever saw. 

Letty. {'C7'osses to Suzanne r.) Oh, please for- 
give us for getting you into this. 

Howard and Suzanne, Oh, I don't mind. (They 
fooJc at each other) 

Dick. (r. c.) What 

Letty. (Crosses to Dick r. c.) Dick, Dick, don't 
you understand? Come away. (Pantomime bus, 
Dick comprehends — they go'R.H) 

Dick. I say, old fellow, won't you come out and 
have a divorce with me? 

Howard. No, thanks. 

(Letty drags Dick away and exit both B.) 

Suzanne. Fm not a wife, 

Howard. Yes, you are. 

Suzanne. Eh ? Whose ? 

Howard. Mine. 

Suzanne. (Rises) Mr. Howard 

Howard. It's legal. There's a precedent. 

Suzanne. Don't talk nonsense. 

Howard. I'm not. 

Suzanne. It was all a joke. 

Howard. Let's go from jest to earnest. 

Suzanne. (Crosses c.) Oh, I must go and see 
about the dinner. 

Howard. (Stops her) It can wait. 

Suzanne. The meat will burn. 

Howard. The moment I saw you I envied Dick, 
for I thought you were his wife. When I found out 
how much I thought of you I was going away in 
despair. You said you were my wife, to make them 



88 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

happy — won't you say it to make me happy ? ( Tahes 
her hand) 

Suzanne. Oh — I — I've only known you a day. 
This is so sudden — (They embrace) and — and — how 
about Freda? 

Howard. Freda is nothing to me. 

Suzanne. (Crosses n.) She's your " affidity." 

Howard. Oh, Miss Dacre. 

Suzanne. She loafs you. 

Howard. Suzanne ! 

Suzanne. You are a viper. 

Howard. Won't you answer ? 

Suzanne. No, no, no, not now. (Goes to door 
R. 2 E.) Wait till I get my divorce. (Exit R. 2 E.) 

Primrose. (Enters window, comes c.) AVha 
is dat man dat owes me money ? 

Howard. Brown ? 

Primrose. Brown, or Preston, whatever his name 
is, I want ma month's wages. 

Howard. {Crosses c. to Primrose) I think he's 
out in the kitchen. 

Primrose. I'll see. I wants ma money. If I 
don't git it thar'll be a rough house — you heah me. 

Howard. How much does he owe you ? 

Primrose. Seven dollahs an' foah bits. 

Howard. Here Primrose, here's your money. 
Now get to work. (Gives her money) 

Primrose. Thankee suh, yo' cert'ny is a puffeck 
gem'men. 

Howard. Don't say anything. 

Primrose. I'm dumb fo' anothah week. (Exit 

PRI]\I.R0SE R. 2) 

Howard. This is the only way to get Suzanne 
away from that kitchen. (Enter Dick hy window) 
jDick, Primrose has come back — looking for trouble. 
She says Brown must settle. (Laughs and exits L. 2) 
Dick. (Crossing l, following Howard) I haven't 
a cent. 

Abel. (Enters R., comes to Dick) Well, I have 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 89 

found you at last. Pack your grip and we'll go. I 
won't let you visit a man like Brown. Why didn't 
you tell me he was a Mormon? 

Dick. A Mormon ? Is he a Mormon ? 

Abel. Is he a Mormon ? How else do you account 
for the two Mrs. Brown ? 

Dick. Easily enough. The other one is a widow. 
She was married to his brother. Why did you think 
he was a Mormon? 

Abel. He told me so. 

Dick. Oh, father, perhaps he has lied. 

Abel. Exactly. Who to? (Goes up stage, looks 
out bay ivindow — Enter Howard hastily l. 2) 

Dick. What's the matter? 

Howard. Freda ! 

Dick. After you? 

Howard. Yes. 

Dick. If she gets in here she will give away the 
whole thing. 

Howard. {Locks door) Keep her out. 

Abel. (Comes down c.) You've been running. 

Howard. Yes — from the dog. 

Abel. Mad dog? Shoot him. 

Howard. No ; I'll lock him out. (Noise at door 
without L.) 

Freda. (Without, pounding on door) Ach, du 
lieber. 

Abel. What's that racket? 

Howard. (Aside) That infernal woman. 
(Crosses c. to Abel) Oh, that's only his tail. He 
stands against the door and waggles his tail you know. 

Abel. He must be a large dog 

Howard. He is. I'd better drive him away. 
(Takes pitcher of water, opens door slightly, throws 
water out. Freda, without, screams — hoys sing 
loudly and in discord to drown her voice) 

Abel. What are you doing? 

Dick. (To Howard) She's gone. 

Abel. (To Dick) Don't speak to that man. 



90 BROWN^S IN TOWN. 

Follow me immediately. {Exit Abel d. f. r. Dick 
starts up stage. Enter Suzanne r. 1 e.) 

Suzanne. Dick — (He comes c.) Primrose has 
come back and gone to work. She won't open her 
mouth, (Crosses L. 2) 

Dick. (Crosses R.) She won't keep that up long. 

Howard. Did you get that divorce? 

Suzanne. Yes. (Howard kisses her. Letty 
enters R. 2 E. Suzanne and Howard each pick up 
cushions from sofa L. Quickly look at each other) 
Don't you think this is a pretty pattern? (Suzanne 
is L. of sofa. Letty r. of it Dick r. of Letty, 
Howard hack of sofa) 

Dick. Well, let's hold a council of war. 

Letty. Yes. What shall we do ? 

Howard. Get your father away. 

Dick. If he goes he'll take me. 

Suzanne. Confess. 

Letty. Then he'll disinherit us. 

Howard. (Crosses R.) Let's lay it all on Brown. 

Dick. Just as I said. 

Howard. (Starts up) Then I'll clear out. 

Freda. (Without) Ach du lieber. Choost vait 
till I get you vonct. 

(Howard comes down again.) 

Howard. No use. (Goes hack of sofa) 

Dick. She's on the look out. 

Suzanne. Oh, dear ! 

Letty. What shall we do? (All four talk ad lib. 
Enter Abel u. f. r. Sees Dick sitting hy Letty l. 
Drags him over R. and puts him in chair) 

Abel. You sit there. 

Letty. What shall we do ? 

Suzanne. Get him to bed then we can talk. 

Howard. Wliat time is it, Dick ? 

Dick. (Hides alarm clock under his coat) Ten 
o'clock. 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 91 

Abel, (c.) Ten o'clock — I had no idea it was so 
late. 

Dick. It grows late very early here in the country. 

Abel. Yon must be mistaken. (He looJcs at watch 
— all gather round him) Why — ifs stopped. (All 
sigh — relieved. Alarm clock qoes off. Abel surimsed 
— Dick gives clock to Letty, she to Suzanne, 
Suzanne to Howard, he crosses r. u. and gives it to 
Primrose at hay window. The two girls cross l. 
Abel c. Dick r. All done quickly, Howard stands 
hack of sofa c.) Well, that settles it. Last train for 
town has gone. We'll have to stay here to-night, 

Suzanne. Oh dear, I can't stay. 

Abel. No? Why not? 

Letty. Oh, she's going to visit a sick aunt. 

Abel. Too bad. But I don't suppose she'll be 
lonely — (Howard ?/mt'ws) Ahem! About bed time, 
isn't it? 

All. {Yawning) Oh, no. 

Abel. I suppose you rise early. 

All. {Yawning) Oh, yes. 

Abel. Then you must retire early. 

All. {Yawning) Oh, yes. 

Abel. {Yawns) Don't let me keep you up. 
Brown. Tell me, are you sleepy? 

Howard. Just a little. 

z\bel. Come, Dick, let's go. {Takes Dick c.) 

Dick. I'm not sleepy. 

Abel. Everybody else is. 

Dick. Well, dad, if you want to retire, go on — 
don't mind me. 

Abel. Bless you, I'm as wide awake as a bat. {All 
sigh, groan, etc.) Say, Brown, you don't mind if 
Dick sits up a while longer. 

Howard. Not at all. 

Abel, You won't think it impolite of him? 

Howard. No. 

Abel. Dick, you shall sit up if you like. {All 
pleased) I'll sit up with you. {All disgusted) Take 



93 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

your wives, Brown, and go to bed. (Letty and 
Suzanne scream, both horrified. Abel amazed: 
Exit Letty e. 1 and exit Suzanne l. 3) What the 
devil — (Crosses L.) 

Feeda. {Without — yells) Ach, du lieber. 

(Boys sing loudly to drown her voice.) 

Abel. (Bus.) Are you chaps practicing for grand 
opera ? 

HowAED. (Looks out) She's gone. (Crosses l. 
Dick crosses e. Feeda enters through window k.) 

Feeda. Aha^ aha. 

Dick. Great Scott ! 

Hov\rAED. (Crosses l.) Freda. 

Abel. (Crosses to e. c. intercepts Feeda) See 
here — I told you to go home. 

Feeda. I vill not vent. I vill make a shtopping. 

Abel. What do you want? 

Feeda. Him. He shall vedding me or I shall 
commit poison. 

Abel. He can't marry you. 

Feeda. Vy, it isn't? 

Abel. He has two wives now. 

Feeda. Dey ain't his vivesses. 

Abel. How do you know? 

Feeda. He tole it. He is a single bachelor. (Ad 
lib) 

HowAED. Dry up. 

Dick. Clear out. 

Feeda. Nein. I vill stay. 

Abel. See here, Brown — (To Howaed) 

Feeda. He ist not Brown. 

Abel. What ? 

Feeda. Nein — call it to him. (Points to Dick) 

Abel. Him ? He's Brown. 

Feeda. Ya. 

Dick. I'm a dead man. (Crosses e.) 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 93 

Abel. Nonsense. That's my son Dick. 
Freda. He is Brown. 

(Dick and Howard tap their foreheads.) 

Abel. I know it. I thought so all along. (To 
Freda) Go home. Shoo. Scat. You're crazy— 
don't you suppose I know my own son? 

Freda. I shall not vent. I vill make him such a 
lawsuit. I vill do a killing. Ach du lieber. 

(Abel pushes her out at window, Dick and Howard 
shake hands.) 

Abel. (Crosses R.) They ought to, lock her up 
somewhere. 

Primrose. (Enters R. 3 e. To Dick) Dinner's 
ready, Mr. Brown. 

Howard and Dick. (Bus.) Hush. 

Abel. Mr. Brown? 

Primrose. Yes suh. 

Abel. Is he Brown? 

Primrose. He sho' is. 

Abel. Are you sure? 

Primrose. Certain. Bettah come right on in 
soon's y'all kin, fo' it gits all col'. (Exit Primrose 
R. 2 e.) 

Abel. (Crosses c. to Dick) Brown! Aha! 

Dick. (Crosses to R. 2. Calls off) Come in, 
dear, he knows all. 

(Enter Letty r. 2. Enter Suzanne l. 2.) 

Abel. (Crosses c. to Howard) Who the devil are 
you? 

Howard. My card. (Bus, card) 

Abel. Are you a Mormon ? 

Howard. No. 

Abel. (Indicating Letty) Is this woman your 
wife? 



94 BROWN'S IN TOWN. 

Letty. (r. c.) No indeed. 

Abel. (Indicating Suzanne) Have you married 
this one? 

Howard. Not yet. 

Suzanne, (l.) He's going to. 

Abel. (To Dick) Are you known as Brown? 

Dick, (r.) Yes sir. 

Abel. Are you married ? 

Dick. Yes sir. 

Abel. You didn't marry all of them, did you? 

Dick. (Presents Letty) My wife. 

Abel, I've met her. Well, you've disobeyed me. 
Now what will you do? 

Dick. Go to work. 

Abel. That's a good idea. You won't get a penny 
from me. 

Howard and Suzanne. (Cross c.) Oh, Mr. 
Preston 

Abel. Not a penny. Not a single, solitary cent. 
If you had come to*me and confessed I might have 
forgiven you. But you've pulled the wool over my 
eyes till I'm dazed. Why did you do it, eh? 

Letty. Why, we wanted to keep it a secret. 

Abel. But you didn't. 

Letty. No — we didn't. I'm willing to stick to 
Dick though, even if he is poor — but I'm .sorry for 
him. 

Abel, He deserves it. 

Letty. No, he don't. You said to-day that if 
Dick ever married you'd pick out just such a home 
and just such a wife for him. 

Dick. Well, I did if for myself. 

Abel. I didn't tell him he could do it. 

Letty*. It seems you've changed your mind, so 
good-bye. (Letty am^d Dick start up) 

Abel. Come back here. (To Dick) Be a good 
husband, Dick, you've got the best little wife in the 
world. 

Dick. Oh, dad ! 



BROWN'S IN TOWN. 95 

Abel. Shut up! (Bus.) I've got something in 
my throat. 

Howard. It's all right, Dick. 

Suzanne. No cards. 

Abel. (To Howard and Suzanne) The knot 
must be tied at my house in town. Dick and I'll show 
you all the sights, and before I'm done with you all 
our friends will know that Brown's in Town. 

(Primrose on, ringing helL) 

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